Self realization through being a dumb girl

Not feeling poetic about it, just trying to understand.

I’ve become pretty blunt as of late, like more blunt than usual. And I met this guy who is anything but. We’ve gone out three times and I had to ask him straight up whether he was even interested in me or not, because damn, I couldn’t tell. To which he says he’s very very interested. He says he’s reactive, not proactive. If I can make excuses to keep seeing him, I will. So I tell myself, he can learn, he can be more confident. Because damn, when he is, it’s so incredibly hot. For someone so unsure of himself he knows what he’s doing. After a night of dancing and drinking and kissing, good god does he know what he’s doing. It’s the subtle things that tell me, where he puts his hands, how he bites my lip, how he almost says something totally romantic and crazy but only half says it because he’s feeling too much… These things speak to me. And when I’m teaching him the art of hip hop dance per our agreement, his salsa for my hip hop, and I show him some more… advanced… moves… and I hear him cuss in Spanish and cover his mouth as he stares… I die a little and it’s amazing. he calls me city girl and reads my mind. We talk until 5 in the morning and I see the sun come up on my walk home… I spent yesterday replaying everything, being such a girl. I haven’t been this way in a very, very long time, I guess since the beginning of Anthony. That was 4 years ago… I keep my phone with me and my heart pounds when I leave boxing and see he texted me. I mean, how old am I? I didn’t know you could feel this way after 12. And when we text in a veiled way about meeting up and things are lost in translation and we don’t meet up I want to be the man and say FUCKING COME GET ME NOW! But my pride won’t let me do it. He’s taken too much of my power by pointing out I’m the one showing my feelings, saying he knew I liked him from the beginning and I had no clue how he felt. It feels unfair. I want to know I’m liked. He says obviously I should know this because I know he had planned to spend the weekend alone moping and when I said come get a beer and talk about it he was right there. This to me is not sufficient evidence. I’m used to men being totally ridiculously into me and showing it, saying it. I think he is totally crazy into me but is terrified. I really don’t want to be the only one pushing this forward. But the fact that I have a little speaks to my growth. A year ago I was so insecure and terrified of my own shadow I never would have shown that I liked someone without knowing full well they were obsessed with me. So I was really only with those sorts of people. I guess this guy has opened up my mind, shown me I’m capable of doing some brave things. This is great, but at the end of the day I want to feel wanted with some frequency. Not kissed passionately for hours and then left in the dark the next day. I want consistency, passion, honesty, boldness, creativity, fun, conversation. He brings most of this and when he stopped dead on the sidewalk and pushed me against the wall, I felt all of those things were happening. But he loses faith, loses steam, loses something, confidence? I don’t know. Maybe it’s the depression, I’m terminally drawn to the darker species. Maybe because we seek what we are and know. But real Amanda needs more than darkness and mystery and what I’m sure would be amazing amazing AMAZING sex. I’m a stupid girl who’s watched too may stupid movies and I want to be adored. I want to adore someone too, don’t get me wrong, but I think it’s in our genetic code as females to crave this much much more. I need him to be the right thing for me right now and if it burns out later then so be it. I can manage whatever happens, sure, but I keep half connecting with people then they disappear. This city makes it impossible to fully know someone and keep them close. The deeper fear beneath all this is that I’ll never be truly loved again. It seems an intense thought for such a new thing but we project these deep fears and desires and parts of our histories onto everything we do, it’s best to admit it. I’m afraid I will get close enough to be touched and will be found unworthy of love. I’ve spent so much of my life staying at a five foot distance from everything I want and need. So now that I’m giving up this bubble I could really get hurt. It’s scary. I’m full in this. I can’t believe it though. I never thought I’d be full in anything. I really have grown so much in the last few years. It’s probably such a simple thing for so many people but it’s all very monumental for me. I never thought I’d be able to tolerate so much uncertainty and feelings of longing without instant gratification. Feeling ambivalent about someone and still taking the time to get to know them. I never thought I would be the brave one with my feelings out in the open. Never thought I could hold fear and excitement at the same time. Never thought I could simultaneously hold all these separate and scary thoughts about needing love and affirmation without completely breaking down. Much of life has been about completely breaking down. Even if I never hear from him again I got this great and beautiful thing out of our time together. I gained knowledge of my own power, strength and growth. Key being growth. We never give ourselves credit for the thriving that we do. So right now I choose to be grateful for this knowledge, I choose to believe in my own resilience and hard work. I am completely struck by the change in my thoughts and behavior. I have put so much time into healing my broken brain and in saying to my therapist nothing will ever change, I’ll always be this broken little girl. But I see so much differently today, without even thinking about it things have evolved, so slowly I didn’t mark the progress, but progressed I have. I think the broken little girl will always be a part of me and I will always hear her calling out to me, but I have managed to take care of myself and honor my past and believe in my future and work so fucking hard at it all that I have actually changed. I am actually a healthier person. That may sound flat and empty but it’s so full of truth and surprise I can’t really express it. But like I said, this is not really about the poetry, it’s about understanding it. I started writing this wanting to understand the guy and the dynamic, and ended up with the fact that it’s not about him at all. Not even a little bit.