San Antonio

So Saturday night was a lot of fun.  Travis and I headed down to San Antonio around 3:00, ate dinner on the way and checked into the hotel around 5:30 or 6:00.  It was a great hotel – the room was a little small since it was an old hotel, but it was one of those old hotels with a lot of character.  I loved it.  Needless to say, we “christened” the hotel room within minutes of closing the door lol.

We finally got out of bed and got ready, then headed out.  We were planning on drinks and then dinner but we never made it to dinner :-).  We stopped at a sports bar and then went to this bar we have been to before to play pool and drink.  It was a blast.  We had a pool table to ourselves the whole time and spent our night getting thoroughly wasted :-).  Dinner ended up being McDonald’s but I was in the perfect state of being drunk where it tasted amazing lol.

Anyway, we left there to head back to the hotel and somehow got into a conversation about Travis trying to find a job and how he’s looking for more hours at the bank to hold him over and who knows – it’s possible he would just stay at the bank.  Probably not, but it’s always a possibility since it’s a good job.

So somehow, in my emotional little drunk mind, I decided it would be a good idea to let my feelings out about my anxiety when it comes to his future.  We have had this talk before, but the last time we had a talk like this it was back when he didn’t know where his life was going.  This time he does know where his life is going and he’s working to get there.  And I’m so fucking proud of him for that.

But.  I do have some deep-seeded anxieties.  I essentially ended up telling him (half the time he was finishing my sentences since somehow he can get into my damn head all the time lol) it just scares the shit out of me that I love him so much, and that I can’t trust in the fact that things will come through in regard to his job and his work. 

I feel like a complete and utter asshole just writing that.

But it is a fear of mine.  And Travis knows that.  He said something while we were talking that really hit me.  He said “You stuff them down so you think you have dealt with these feelings but you will always have those fears.  And they are feelings that I will have to help you deal with forever.  Even after I get a good stable full time job and we’re married you will still have moments where these anxieties come up.  Fears that I will become disenfranchised like Jesse or that I will one day not want the responsibility and leave like your friend’s husband.  And I know that.”

It probably wasn’t exactly that, but you get the idea.  What hit me is that this man knows my quirks and neuroses, but he is still willing to spend his life with me, helping me work through those fears, not getting hurt by them but realizing that these are personal issues that I will work through eventually and need him by my side to do so.  I love him.  I want to marry him.  I want to have his children.  I want those lazy Sunday mornings with him and our family.  I want to wake up next to his handsome face (and incredibly sexy body ;-))every morning.

And I will.  I have to know that I will.  He is a good man, a hard-working man, and a man who knows me like no one else ever could.  He is the man I want to grow old with.  I have to have faith in that.  I’ve never been good with faith.  I’m too rational and logical a person.  I have to see results to know that something has happened and will happen again.  But I know Travis.  And I know the type of man he is.  I know he wants me in his life.  And I don’t plan on ever not being in his life.  He will work and work and build a life that he wants and that I, in turn, will be completely comfortable with.

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t;,"serif"; font-size: 14pt”>I will never be 100% sure of that.  But I know that as time goes on, my faith in him will grow, as it has by leaps and bounds over the last year.  And he will prove me right.  If there is anything I have ever wanted to have faith in, it is that he will prove me right.  That gets easier as time goes on, because he now has a track record of doing exactly what he has set out to do.  So I am not too worried about my fears and anxieties lessening as time goes on.

He is my best friend, my lover and as corny as it sounds my soulmate.  I have never in my life felt as I do about him.  And he knows that.  I’m just so fortunate that he understands me and that he actually wants to comfort me when I’m having those neurotic moments.  I know I’m a good woman, but I always have moments of wondering how I managed to catch such a wonderful man.

Ok. Ramble over.  Time for work.  I hope everyone had a great weekend.

R