Walls

I had a great day with Travis yesterday.  I woke up around 8:30, got prettied up, and was at his house around 11:30.  Needless to say, before we said even 10 words we ravaged each other.  It was exactly what I needed.  Rough, fast, and straight to the point.  45 minutes later, I finally said “hello” while I was lying next to him, smiling and happy as a clam :).

 

We went to his school next.  He got all registered for HVAC School and starts in September.  He had to pick up some paperwork so I got to see where it was.  He seems really excited.  I know I am.  He said he finally decided to just make the decision and do it.  I’m really proud of him 🙂

 

The rest of the day was lovely.  We had Mexican food for lunch, went to play pool and have a few beers, then home for a nap, dinner at this Asian fusion restaurant, and back to the pool hall.  Oh, and then off to a restaurant for a few more drinks before we headed home.

 

Our conversation in the restaurant got pretty interesting.  Somehow we started talking about how we both have a wall up, emotionally speaking.  That it’s been chipped away for the most part, but both of us still have a bit of a guard up.  Travis asked me when he thought that wall would be completely down.  At first I said “I don’t know a year?”  and then after rethinking it said “No.  Probably when we get married.  Because that is a solid commitment that both of us see as a final decision.”    

 

At some point he asked me what my impression was of him, before I really knew him, based on how he carried himself and evaluated a room.  The main thing I said was that I could tell he was constantly on the defense, evaluating himself in relation to others.  I said he also tries to manipulate conversations in a way to keep the conversation about the other person, and not about him.  He said I was right.  Of course 😉

 

Later in the conversation Travis mentioned that there are a couple of things about him that he has never told anyone really, except his therapist.  Things that are personal and hard for him to talk about.  Everyone has their “things.”  I didn’t expect him to tell me them, especially after I mentioned it and he said, very sternly, “Do not push that.  Just so you know.”

 

<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt”>He ended up telling me his two things.  He told me one of them when we got home. 

 

Then, we made love like we have never made love before.  It was the most intense, passionate, and loving thing I have ever experienced.  It was really incredible.  Such a contrast to the raw primal experience we had earlier that day.  Of course, I loved both ;-).  It was one of those experiences where I was almost a little removed from myself.  So wrapped up in him that it was a bit surreal.  I don’t remember exactly what was said amidst the passion, but they were sweet and intense and passionate and overwhelming and it was made apparent that he wants to be with me forever, as I do with him.  He wants to marry me, and he wants me to have his children.  He wants the same life with me that I want with him.

 

During that time together, I think we both let our walls down just a little more.

 

After that, he told me his other “thing.”  They were both personal things that I know he has struggled with most of his life.  Things he does not tell people.  He bared his soul a bit for me last night.  I know it was hard.  Hell, the only time I have truly opened up was when I was wasted and it was triggered for whatever reason.  I hold those things he told me close to my heart, and I treasure the fact that he would trust me enough to share that piece of him.

 

I cried a bit last night.  Due to a few different emotions.  All in one fell swoop.  I sure am a good one for that lol.  Most of the tears were happiness and relief though so that’s always good.

 

I had a long thing written about it, but I don’t know that it’s worth it.  I feel sort of like a broken record on that front anyway.  I cry too fucking much.  But I can’t say it’s not amazing to have someone who, after 8 months, isn’t bothered by it.  I think perhaps he likes comforting me.  Being that man in my life – the man who I’ve needed all of these years and never had.  I like it too, although I’d rather just not cry all together lol.

 

Eventually we both drifted off.  He fell asleep with me in his arms.  I hope that helped him sleep well.<span style="font-family: Gabriola; font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font

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I missed waking up next to him while I was on vacation.  I can’t wait until one day when I can do that every morning 🙂