Can’t you see?
I think the trick to relationships, and probably life experiences in general, is to see what is instead of what could be. I’ve been reading around lately and I see a lot of women on here writing about a man they like, or a relationship they’re already in, and not seeing what the man is doing. Instead they see what they hope the man will do. And I can see “heartbreak” written all over these girls.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not being all high and mighty. I have done that very thing over and over in the past. With my ex-fiance, I thought I could “fix” the situation. I thought I could change his behavior. But of course I couldn’t change his character. I couldn’t make him grow up. With the guy I was on and off with for two years after him, I wanted so badly to be with him, and loved him so much, that I overanalyzed his actions to figure out how he could be sweet and then a week later, not want to be with me. He wasn’t ready. He wasn’t ready for a relationship. He couldn’t be the man I needed him to be. I didn’t deserve him. He told me all that. But I still stuck around. Wanting to be with him.
Living on hope.
I would tell myself “He loves me. I know he does. He’s just not ready. He’ll come around. I don’t mind waiting. He was just insensitive because he’s stressed. He was just an asshole because he’s scared. Blah Blah Blahhhhh.”
When in fact, he did love me. But not in a healthy way. He was insensitive. And he could be an asshole. He was manipulative. He wanted what he wanted, when he wanted it, and thought he was entitled to just that. And that was just how he was. There was nothing more hidden beneath the surface. But I went back and forth with him for over 2 years. 2 years of my life that was riddled with ups and downs and stress and tears. 2 years of me altering my way of being – holding off and playing like I didn’t care that he didn’t call or text for 3 days, acting like I didn’t care that he didn’t want to be with me. Thinking that if I just acted happy, I would be. Thinking that if I acted a certain way, it would prompt him to tell me he loved me and wanted to be with me.
And I see that all over the place on here. I see women saying “It was hard, but I did x y and z because I know if I do that it will make him [insert action here].”
That’s not how it should be. A person should not have to purposely tailor his or her actions so that the person they like will act in a certain way.
Anyway. That’s my two cents. Sort of scattered I suppose. Maybe I’ll write more about it later. For now, it’s back to work for me.
-R