Feelings on marriage

Right now my feelings are thru the roof.  I’m not sure if I want to cry or scream.  

People have said that I am to insecure.  Yeah you are right maybe I am.  I know I don’t like the way I look…I never had.  Never really was the pretty type.   I was always a tomboy.  I grew up playing softball.  Started when I was 5 and continue until I was 20.  So when it seemed like only way I met guys was thru the internet or just a one night stand.  I remember the day I met Chris. I started emailing him.  I was living in NC going to school and he was stationed in Jacksonville, NC..we lived 6 hours apart. We hit it off.   After our first meeting…I really didn’t think I stood a chance with him.  Man, he was hot.  A US marine.  He could have anyone.  But you know what we stayed together.  I will never forget October 3rd.  My best friend came up from Florida.  We decided that we would drive to Jacksonville and see Chris.  Boy what fun we had.  What memories.   It was so great that I got pregnant with our daughter Aimee.  In February Chris called me and told me we were moving to fast and we split.  But we managed to get back together.  I moved in with him in May. 

Things were rocky at first.  Chris has always been the type to do what he wants and whatever.  So having someone there was kinda weird.  He was also the type of person that didn’t care what he did either.   Of course I would get jealous because here I was 8 months pregnant and suck at home.blah blah.  When we moved to a new house in Jacksonville(after Aimee was born) things were ok.  But then he would drink a lot and have parties.  No biggie but once again, I was stuck at home…blah blah.  He was always in the backyard so it wasn’t like he was out.   But I was inside watching Aimee, no friends, etc. 

We moved to Florida in 2000.  I had a chance to coach.  So I moved down here.  Chris came a few months later.   We lived with my grandma and things in our marriage got rough.  He hated being here and I didn’t blame him.  So he hung out with Jackson’s a lot.  I hated that.   I would do get him when he was really drunk.  I would do anything for him. 

We finally got to move out of my grandma’s house to our own house.  Things were going good.  But then all of a sudden things changed.  I was beginning to realize this after Aimee’s birthday.  When I mentioned it to Chris, he agreed.  So we decided to split.  I left the house and moved back into my grandma’s and he keep the house.  There was no way I could keep the house up and raise the dogs.   No big deal.  Because I had a place to go he didn’t. 

During our time of seperation, he was talking to a girl named Jessica.  I mean all the time.  When I would come see him and mind you I did a lot. You can read some past entries.  I wrote in this a lot when we apart.  I would check the caller ID and she would call him at like 3am, she would text him all the time, they would hang out, etc etc.  I addressed my concerns with him about her.  He told me they aren’t together nor did he want to be.  They were just really good friends.   I didn’ t like it.  Here I was seperated from Chris and he was doing this to me.   We finally managed to get back together.  Things were good.  He got a different job(not where Jessica worked) and what not.  Now he is back at the job where she works. 

Yes we still had our "it’s not fair" arguments but what couple doesn’t.  Well recently things just seem odd.   Yesterday when I got home, he had a missed call.  I checked it and there was so many from her.  I wasn’t happy.  He asked me what was wrong and I told him.  He was like " I can’t even have friend without you getting jealous".  "I can’t help it that you are insecure".  I was like I’m not.   He was like she is married and has a kid now.  I’m thinking so are you.   And then we left it at that.

Well here is why I am writing.  I have a right not to be happy about it.  She was the main issue we had when we split the first time.  And now she is back.  I don’t care if you are just friends.  I remember when I had a guy friend and you thru that in my face all the time.  I mean ALL THE TIME.  So I chose to quit talking to him.  As much as I loved it I quit.  Not because Chris didn’t want me too but because I thought it was the right thing to do.   I just don’t like the fact that you see her all the time at work but you have to text and talk to her all day…even after you leave.  Why?  I don’t get it.  

Now I may be the one that is insecure and that is because of the way I look and what not.  Not to mentiit hon the way I was raised.  But I do everything for him.  You can ask anyone.  When he was drunk no matter where he was, I would go get him.  He gets what he wants.  I never ask him to get me anything..our anniversary, birthday, christmas, etc.  He does gator season and hunting season.  I’ve given up going back to school.  When I do manage to buy myself something, I take it back.  

I try not to be a jealous person.  Yes, I believe I am.  I would think if I got the same attention that he give other people–friends and some family…I wouldn’t feel so bad. And right now, I’m not happy about Jessica being back in the picture.  I don’t care if she is married now or not.   Apparently she had feelings for him or vice versa while we were apart.   I can’t stop him from having friends of the opposite sex but I should have a say on how much you talk to them. All I think about now is the past.  The moment I saw all the phone calls it all came back to me.  And not to mention, what I have been told. 

I know Chris won’t do anything behind my back.  He would want to divorce before he does that.  But why can’t he see that this bothers me?   I would do anything for him.  I try not to think about it but sometimes that is hard.    He has seemed to forget that I get the phone bill so I will see how much they talk.  So he can’t hide that.  

I have mentioned everything to him and I told him I wouldn’t mention it again.  I promised him.  I just hope he just realizes that it hurts that she is back again.  I think I have every right to be right? 

As I have mentioned in the other post, I can’t post in this diary.  Why I don’t know.  I can do notes though.  I do read my favorites.  If you want to get ahold of me faster, my email is bigchevsgirl@gmail.com

my yahoo is bigchevsgirl_00

Aim is bigchevsgrl

myspace is http://www.myspace.com/doubleduty

sorry for the long rant.  I just have a lot on my mind.