Is something wrong with me?

I really do think something is wrong with me.  My emotions are thru the roof.  As you have read in my previous entry, I am extremely stress about money.  So I emailed Chris and I told him how frustated I am.  He calls me and was like blah blah….making me feel bad, etc.  Mind you, that wasn’t my plan. 

So he calls me later and tells me that he can find a transmission for my explorer(well not mine anymore, we sold it but the guy doesn’t want it anymore and we can get it back for 200) for only 500.  He said something about fixing it and selling it.  I called him later and asked him how we were gonna pay for it.  He was like you know how Jackson and I do it.  bunch of crap.  So here I am thinking….how in the world are we suppose to come up with money for anything to do with the explorer if I can’t even put f*cking gas in my truck.  Someone please tell me that.  The way I feel right now, I don’t care anymore.   No matter how many times I mention money to him…it goes thru one ear and out the other.  Fine when we are completely broke but we have 500 cars, we will be just fine.

Do you know as much money as we have spent on stupid or things for him, we could have went on a honeymoon.  I will be married 8 years in July.  I didn’t have a wedding and i’m ok with that.  But a honeymoon would have been nice.  I told him yesterday after I saw a cruise commerical that it would never happen.   He said the kids are still to young.  I said…they wouldn’t go.  He said no to leave a lone for a week.  Ok, I’m sorry…they would be fine.  But I forgot….need money for more then just yourself to do anything with anyone else.

Oh and then on top of that…I wanted to go camping Memorial Day weekend.  I really thought it would be just myself and my family.  But hey guess what, we now have other people going.  That is just f*cking great.  Another weekend of getting beyond unhappy because my husband doesn’t know how to behave when he has friends and A LOT of beer. 

Really I do just want to give up.  As much Chris does love me….I really do feel like I am in a one way marriage.  As long as he is happy…everything is ok.   Maybe one day he will open his eyes and see that I need things too.  Or I need alone time too.  Or we don’t have to buy everything.  Or not everyone needs his help.

My niece knows exactly what I am talking about.  Even though he won’t say it is true…I am put last a lot.  Maybe one day he will open his eyes and see something.   I cried on the way home from work.  I just find a lot of shit one way in this marriage.   Why can’t we do something together by ourselves?  Ok don’t get me wrong….I can take his one friend because he can’t drink a lot around his wife.  But Jackson…oh no…I don’t want that.  As much as I love jackson…I can’t take the drinking that Chris and him do. 

Why do I feel something is wrong…no one should feel this way.  No one.   I don’t want to eat.  I don’t want to sleep.  I just have so much emotions running thru my head and my heart that I really want to just crawl in a ball and cry my eyes out.  If not just run away and hide until everything is so much better.