This family has changed!!

You know I will always love my family. Regardless of the what happens in it, I will.  But recently(only because of the way I’ve been feeling) I have noticed that this family has changed.  Today is Friday and I don’t work.  So I’m at my grandma’s house waiting to take my niece to work.  My grandpa walks(mind you, I haven’t seen him in forever) and I say hi.  He gives me that low hi back.  Then goes straight for Shayla.  Ok fine whatever.  But that is hurtful.  I understand that is his grand-daughter but so am I.  I haven’t seen him in forever.  Nice huh?  Then of course my grandma turns into this whole different person.  I understand that me and my grandma are having issues.  But right now I don’t feel like I belong in this family.  Does that make sense?  My heart is really broken.  I feel like I am the bad person in this whole family. 

I watch my grandma and grandpa with the baby and don’t remember when they were ever like that with my kids.  Me and my grandpa use to have a good relationship.  But now I’m not so sure.  My grandma…I’m not sure when I have really had a converstation with her.  I can’t remember that last time I was invited to do anything with her.  I realize that I live 15-20 mins away but you can’t call and ask? 

I hate to say this but I know for a fact that my birhtday will be forgotten this year.  ***Shayla was born that day***  I know people will say I am being jealous but I’m not.  It has nothing to do with the baby.  I love Shayla a lot.  She is adorable.  This has to do with my family.   They have changed. 

I feel like I’m getting punished for the way Aimee is.  Aimee is having massive issues.  I understand this.  But she is my daughter.  She has been getting treated like crap from some parts of my family.  Which I know is just making things worse. 

My niece doesn’t ever want to stay home.  And when she is out she is drinking like crazy.  I’m afraid for her.  But what am I to do?   She is gonna do what she wants.  I just hope she is being really really smart.  I wish we could see her more often. 

My aunt is still my aunt.  She will never change and I love her for that.  She has always been there for me, always listen to my problems and I couldn’t say thank you enough for that.

My sister is still my sister.  We have never been close and I don’t think we ever will.  I do wish her the best though.  But with her regardless of her wrong, she doesn’t seem to get the punishment like I do.  Kayla will know what i mean on that one. 

The only person I have been talking to about my issues is my best friend.  I want to talk to Chris but he never wants to talk.  Fact is, we hardly talk lately.  And honestly, I don’t know why.   I just know that tonight will be the bar, tomorrow we both work and Sunday he will be at a friends all day.  I just feel like we aren’t there together.  Does that make sense?  But I believe it is because I’m having so many thoughts and feelings I’m not really paying attention to him.  But then again, is he really paying attention to me? 

Right now, do you honestly know what is like not to feel loved anymore?  Yes, I know they love me but do they really?  Honestly, if wasn’t for the fact that I can’t afford daycare I wouldn’t even come down here.  I would put Aimee in school where we live and just transfer up there.  Would this family even care? 

I hate to say this but I think depression is kicking it.  I feel like I’m gonna snap and it’s not gonna be a good thing.  I want to be see my husband and not feel like I’m just there(does that make sense?)  I want to be able to have "me" day.  I want to be able to get some help from my famiy(around the house…it is a disaster and I’m the only one that takes care of it).  I want to be able to talk to my grandma without getting the cold attitude.  I want to be able to go see my best friend without having to worry if we have money for gas.  I want to be able to pay bills without worrying if we have the money for all of them.  I want to be able to buy things we honestly need.  I want to be a part of this family again.  Because right now, I’m am the outcast. 

I haven’t really eaten if a week.  Nor do I want too.  I really don’t want to do anything.  I actually like going to work(even though Chris really really hates my job)  because I don’t have to think about everything.  It’s like the moment I step out of my job my world changes again.