3/20/05

You never realize how good life is, until something happens to challenge it. I’m feeling much better these days, thus my new found appreciation for health and well-being. It’s been a little over 2 weeks since I broke my ankle. Wow, today is the first day of spring! I won’t even bother to share yet another picture of what spring looks like from my front door, but trust me. Thanks to a heavy snowfall two days ago, we currently have about a foot of snow on the ground, on my patio, and on the roof. I have to keep my steps clean, and a nice path from the mailbox out front, otherwise the mailman won’t bring my mail to the front door. After I came to my senses and realized I couldn’t go out to retrieve my mail, I called the post office and asked if they could please deliver to the door. I was told I needed a doctors slip stating that I was incapacitated. **sheesh** Made me feel like I was back in school. Oh well. So I got a note from the doctor, and attached it to a mailbag I hung from the doorknob. I now have front door delivery. I decided to just cancel the newspaper until I could fetch it myself.

For the first 2 weeks, I was told to keep the leg elevated, iced, and to not put any weight on it at all. Easy for them to say. I found out that living alone is not easy when faced with something like this. Relying on others isn’t easy for me. If it had not been for Annie and her husband, I honestly don’t know what I would have done. They brought me a chair for the shower, and installed a hand held shower head. They brought me food, my prescription, and if there was a need . . . . it was met. Life was so much easier because of them, and their daughters. Her oldest daughter took me home from the emergency room, and her youngest daughter brought me crutches. I love those girls. In retrospect, I almost wish I had a daughter of my own. I must say that Justin has been a great deal of help also. But I think the difference between my sons and my friends can be summed up by one simple statement. I don’t have to ask. Does that make sense?

I wanted to write about expectations. As a mother, I “had” certain expectations. I don’t anymore, or at least I’m working on lowering them tremendously. I have to do this for my own peace of mind.

I had this idea in my mind that if I was hurting, if I was in trouble, my boys would be there for me, sort of . . . . just because I’m the mom.? But last weekend I was let down. My feelings were hurt. I had asked both my boys to come over on Saturday to clean my garage so it was easier for me to maneuver in and out, along with odd chores inside that I couldn’t get to myself. Jarad lives about 1 ½ hours from here. We spoke on the phone earlier in the week, and I was hinting that I’d love to have him come Friday after work, and stay the weekend, which would have been a huge help. He said he wanted to go into the office on Saturday morning, and he said he’d be here later in the morning. Justin also told me he’d be here in the morning. Around 12:30 Justin showed up, and by then I was mad. I told him to go back home, I didn’t need his help. (of course that was hurt and pride talking) Unluckily enough for Jarad, as Justin was walking out, Jarad walked in. I told him he could leave too. I know I need to work on my finesse. Maybe I didn’t handle the situation in the best way. That’s what happens when I’m hurt. Jarad denies any wrongdoing and is therefore pissed. Justin called as soon as he got home and apologized. He asked if he could come back, and asked that I call Jarad to come back and help him. They both came back, and they did what needed to be done, but Jarad refused to stay. He said he didn’t feel comfortable staying. That surprised me, because I thought we had gotten over it. We talked quite a bit on a few different subjects. He even asked about my part in his eventual wedding plans. They discussed going to Hawaii to marry and he asked what I thought I would contribute. But after our conversation he seemed to be getting ready to leave. He asked if I needed anything more, and I said I’d really like him to stay so that he could help me get groceries the next morning. No, he couldn’t do that. Wait. Yes, he could ask about money, but no, he couldn’t stay to help his mother when she can’t do for herself. Could that thought hurt any worse?

We haven’t spoken all week. We used to talk a few times a week. I miss that, but I also don’t feel like talking to him right now either, and for how long?

He tells me I have no reason to feel like I do. I wonder – does it take being a parent to understand one? After I could talk about it without crying, I talked with Annie. She said she couldn’t tell her daughters about it, because they would be very upset with my boys. It helps knowing that, because I really don’t believe my expectations were out of line. I think about if it were my own mother who needed help. I would have been there, and I wouldn’t have waited until the weekend to do so. I don’t understand Jarad’s behavior.

Moving right along . . . . and I am. I’m pretty much self sufficient now. Since it’s my left ankle, I can even drive. Little by little I’m catching up around the house. I can spend more time at the computer, and I’m learning a few more tricks. I can rip DVD’s, and convert CD’s into MP3’s. I’ll watch TV occasionally, but that gets so old, so fast. I go back and forth between the recliner and the computer. Maybe I’ll try my hand at writing a virus or something.