BBe

February 21, 2004

Changes for Sis

Last night I got a phone call from my estranged sister. It had been over a year since we had last spoke, and when we did my feelings were hurt. I thought at that time that it might be a long time before we ever spoke again. Still, I think about her often. We were so close growing up; it was hard to think that now we seemed so far apart. Time and distance has a way of easing the pain of not being close anymore, but of course you never forget your family. I had resolved myself to the fact that my siblings and I would remain divided.

It was good to hear her voice again, and we talked for more than 2 hours. We spoke a lot about the growing up years. We had done so in small measures in the past, but last night it dawned on me for the first time that our childhoods were very different, and I still don’t know how to feel about that. She spoke in great detail about how unloved she felt by mom. She says that as far back as 2 years old she remembers mom being mean to her, physically and verbally. I listened .. and I want to believe her, but I dont remember, and I dont know what to believe. She says that I was moms favorite. I dont remember that and from what memories I have, my childhood wasnt that great either. (physically and verbally) Is it possible that she remembers her childhood much darker than it really was?

And now comes the part where she says that this is most likely the reason she stayed in her 32 (abusive) year marriage as long as she did. And now that she has found someone who really loves her and has showed her what love should be, shes asked for a divorce. Hey, did you know that in Iowa for an extra $30 you can waive the 90-day waiting period and have your divorce finalized as soon as the papers are filed? (barring any disputes) I do not think that this is a good policy.

Im totally confused, and I dont hide the fact during our conversation. I thought he was your soul mate. Their birthdays are even on the exact same day. I have always been lead to believe that they would be together through thick and thin. She does not go into great detail, but alludes to him being physically abusive, and I do not doubt this, but that is something that has not happened for quite some time. And he can be verbally abusive. This I know as well. She has only spoke to her two children about her plans and now me. She needed someone to talk to. I wish I could have given her more support. I told her that I was glad that she was taking her life into her own hands, to become happy again. Itll just take some time for me to process this, but I really am happy for her, if this is what she wants.

She tells me what a wonderful guy he is. Oh and by the way he plays in the same band as her husband and they are all friends. (only hubby doesn’t know about his “friend” and wife) And my wheels start turning. She goes on about what a nice man this guy is, and finally I had to tell her what Im thinking, that because of the fact that hes making advances towards his friends wife, hes NOT a wonderful guy. She says she can understand what Im saying, but . . . . . and the issue is dropped.

Im sure there will be more conversations about him, the divorce, our childhood and our futures. My plan is to be supportive of her, and to be there for her. For whatever reason, Im glad were communicating again and I hope we always will. God I wish we could just get together and play dollies again. 🙁

Kate

February 22, 2004

Gosh, this is hard. What a position to put you in. Of course, all you can do is all you can do.

I’m glad you have this place to talk out your fears. I hope that you can navigate future conversations as safely as you did this one. I’ve found in my own relationships with my siblings that a sure way for me to not hear from them again is to give them advice, even when they’ve asked for it! It is really hard to be honest about how I feel and supportive at the same time. Good luck, B.

Tough situation to be in – as in you, not her. I hope she has her eyes opened before any more lives are affected by this. *tight hugs* B.

oh yeah, ryn: let’s just say he went from cold to burning hot with no in between. Like I said pretty inappropriate for a 12 year old – something you’d “maybe” hear from someone you’d been having a hot and heavy romance with.

~Katherine

I agree with what Kate said. And, I always think it’s good for sisters to be reunited. Even if the reason is a bit of a burden. Big hug, P. at

ThomaS

February 23, 2004

Blood is thicker than………. You are between emotion and reality and I hope it works out for you.. You !!

Life's Snakes and Ladders

ryn; lk back a couple of entries to hospital (od) hope ur k. xx

ryn; a hug from…someone older, someone motherly, someone who can give tht special hug where u feel safe n protected…just dont know who. *sighs* never mind. xxx

Elle: 2

February 24, 2004

WOW how hard this must be for you….tough situation… Thoughts & Prayers……….

PPM

Even though this is a tough one, I pray that it all works out for you. Sisters are special. What a great photo. Cherish it always. Big Hugs Coming Your Way…..

ryn; not mum, cant. xx

I Am Snugs

one should never take a leak in the same room where one eats… and if she follows her heart what will happen to his income… My friend has a band.. she is now married to the lead guitarist… her x was the sound man… lordy was that messy.. still is.. 13 years later…

cudos for the suport of estrange sister.. when the lines of communication are firmly open is the only time to share thoughts in that area.. for now… suport is only thing to do.. opinions are worth only the price you paid for them… good luck with the re-acquainting…

Support is what she needs, and you are good at that. As far as the childhood abuse issue … my brother and i lived with an aunt and uncle who abused me horribly and did nothing to my brother. He stills has some disbelief about my side of the story. So, it can happen differently even for siblings living in the same house.

February 25, 2004

ryn-she has been trying.. even talked 2 the judge that came in2 where she works.. it is a small town.. & most of the officials either knows his parents or his grandparents.. who are nice people.. & we all know that socialpaths can hide there illness from those who don’t expect 2 find it.. seek & ye shall find.. but if u don’t want 2 see it.. it is not there.. & others suffer..thank you.

gel

RYN: That certainly wouldn’t have been a problem for me-don’t like coconut at all!

February 26, 2004

RYN: I won’t touch that one with a 10 ft pole.

KeepSmiling

March 10, 2004

Your notes are awfully hard to read on that dark purple. Is your sister older or younger than you? If she’s older, you won’t remember what she went thru., but if she’s younger, you might. My older (by 6 yrs.) sister hasn’t spoken to me since I sold “our” cabin 2 yrs. ago. I don’t miss her as I do my other sister – we were 18 mos. apart – & she died in ’88.

Anyone w/a sister wd. really enjoy the book, “What We Keep,” by Elizabeth Berg. My 50 yr. old dau & her friend liked it so much, they wanted me to read it, & I’ve passed it on to others your age. Get it at the library; I think you’ll like it too.