BBe

January 2, 2004

1/3/2004

I look outside, and I see sunshine. Or, I look outside and it’s dark. Maybe there is a big beautiful full moon and stars dancing all around it. Maybe all of the windows are covered, and it’s just me inside reading a book I just can’t put down, or munching on a slice of the worlds greatest pizza, or I could be standing outside in the pouring rain.

To see, to hear, to feel, to taste, to smell…… Next to me on a shelf, a tealight candle burns, warming sandalwood oil which in turn fills the air with the most wonderful scent imaginable to me. And I think to myself….. what could ever be so bad that I would take my own life and deprive myself of these infinite (even if infinitely small) pleasures that life has to offer.

Dec 26th, a 16 year-old boy took his life on the 50 yard line of the high school football field. Problems with parents, girl problems, emotional problems, life problems. I go over and over this in my mind. Why??? 4 days later a 33 year-old man in the same small town takes his life, and again I wonder why.

How can the urge to die be stronger than the urge to live? Where was their spirit? Should I believe this is their destiny? Somehow the thoughts of destiny do not comfort me. And then I think, is it selfish of me to want something for them that they (even if momentarily) did not want for themselves? And every time I know that someone has taken their life, the thought process repeats itself.

Ancient Egyptians believed that upon death they would be asked two questions and their answers would determine whether they could continue their journey in the afterlife. The first question was, “Did you bring joy?” The second was, “Did you find joy?”

My wish for everyone is two part. Firstly, to always be seeking (consciously or subconsciously) ways to answer yes to the first question. Secondly, I wish for everyone to understand that the second question does not have to be about the big things – SHOULD NOT be about the big things. To find joy, maybe all you need to do is light a candle, close your eyes, and enjoy the scent of sandalwood.

Peace,

Happiness,

*and joy* to all

in the new year

IpsoFacto

January 3, 2004

what a thoughtful entry…it helped me to find a small joy this morning…thank you

Willy & Wilma

Thoughts of the good things in life like this help get through the bad. A deeply depressed diarist started making a list of three of those each day. The list grew so long she forgot what she was depressed about. Did you renew your OD+ subscription? BBe(2) came back on my Favs list with this post. The DM should have made it a unified diary the first place. Was one of the first to join the + side

Life's Snakes and Ladders

people think, believe, live etc in different ways, when the thought of escaping life seems better than living its so hard to try and change that, and your thoughts change from ‘its selfish’ to ‘its the brave way’. the unknown seems so much more..livable than life itself. did you know those people? ryn; just seems..overwhelming, and scary hope ur well. love always xx

~Katherine

I think a brain can get stuck in such a dark place that it loses the capacity to see any light, feel any joy, see any hope. Tragic especially when it’s a young person. Even when I’m feeling low, the sight of a cardinal on a tree branch or a squirrel hurrying across the yard can remind me to breathe and smile and hope. Happy New Year to one of my favorite joy givers! Love you, P. at

Kate

I am sorry to hear of this. I don’t understand it myself, though I once did. I wish no one could ever.

Elle: 2

A bittersweet entry…. I cannot imagine the depths of despair and lonliness for a high school or college student, or anyone for that matter, to do such a tragic thing. Warm thoughts…..

Good message, Brenda. Sigh. I don’t think it’s about the urge to die, so much as it is the urge not to be in pain. They lack the foresight to understand that “this too shall pass.” “What doesn’t break us makes us stronger.” Hugs,

January 6, 2004

thnk u xx

Maui Jim

January 7, 2004

Aloha… Nice entry… RYN about my dad: Yes… it would have been nice… to have talked in person… (sigh)… Aloha oe…

PPM

January 8, 2004

I have often wondered what could have been so troubling in someones life that they chose to end their own. I just do not understand it. I do, however, try to bring joy to others and I have found it on occasion. I guess I am one of the lucky ones. Smiles…….

Sunshine Wolf

Your words have often brought joy into my life – so please know that you can definately answer YES to the first question! I am always sad when someone takes their own life…cannot understand how anyone could feel THAT bad. But then – perhaps their path lies along another road…. Wishing you a blessed new year.

Linda Kay

January 10, 2004

RYN: Howling. I’ll let Sweetie know what a burden he bears to lift my mood. Meanwhile, I’m cleaning off the kitchen table. LOL!

Knowing the little I know about suicide I don’t believe it’s about their urge to die rather ending the pain they’re feeling either mentally, emotionally or physically or sometimes all of the above. When someone is in that much pain that they are seriously contemplating it – the logic and reason that you and I use daily is of no consequence to them. Anyway ryn: no, it’s the builder’s job.

(c) I suspected if I don’t sound hurried it’s because of two things – I had the week off from work and more so…because the boys aren’t in baseball right now. With them both having three events per week w/baseball meaning they could either be doubled up on a few days or we could have something going on six of the seven nights, the entire time feels crazy. rush here. rush there…AHHH!

BUT thanks for the sentiment. Also have come to a new realization, understanding re: OD. I’ll email in the next week or so.

chutes

A lovely entry. I like the two questions. I have resorted, in bad times, to focusing on the smallest sights and pleasures–which often, interestingly, don’t involve other people, so often the sources of our pain.

January 20, 2004

{{{{{{{Brenda}}}}}}} Read about your friend, Kev. Wish I could help you get through the heartbreak it brought. Hang in there dear friend. Time will lessen the pain. Think of the good things you have, like sunshine, fresh air and freedom. Kev wouldn’t want you grieving for him This movie is slow to load but worth the wait http://www.opendiary.com/entryview.asp?authorcode=B149960&entry=10600&mode=

wanderlust (2)

January 27, 2004

I wish you many sandalwood moments in 2004 & beyond. I have thought alot about the will to live or die lately. My mother in-law wanted to die & father in-law wants to live. MIL died 12-26 & FIL continues his battle to live, even if just for another week. I want to live & enjoy my family & friends for as long as possible. I pray for peace for families & friends of people who commit suicide.