12/21/03

I don’t go to meetings.  At least I haven’t yet.  This week I’m on vacation, and I’d like to go, but I think that the meetings are on Wednesday, which is Xmas eve, soooooo….   But sooner or later the gods will be with me, and I’ll have an opportunity.  I wonder why they only have one a week, when there are so many AA meetings available. 

About anger.  You’ve heard the term:  Spontaneous combustion?  It feels as though at some point I will be so angry that I’ll just blow up.  Mainly because I’m not going to “blow up” on the outside, the way I feel on the inside.  Even Alanon would not want to withstand the anger that I feel in the moment.  And it only happens when he does stupid things, like GOING out, when he knows GOING out, means DRINKING out.  He won’t drink in the house.  He’s even asked me to get rid of what booze I had in a cabinet here.  Unfortunately, getting rid of what I had, does not prevent him from getting it elsewhere.

You know, sometimes I think to myself that…. maybe I’m blowing this out of proportion.  He’s not someone that has to drink every day.  He CAN drink a few and then come home.  (but not often)  Yeah, I know he has a problem.  There are too many signs.  By the way, he has been taking Zoloft for several months now.  I know that antidepressant mixed with alcohol is a no no.  But I also know that since he’s been taking Zoloft, at least his anger is under control.  Before, he’d go out drinking, and everything seemed to be fine according to his friends.  When he came home, he’d go into a fit of rage.  He’s scared me a few times, even for my own safety.  He’s put holes in walls, ripped out phone lines….. and the worst part is, I don’t know why.  I can only guess, and of course then you know the mind does double time when guessing.

His drinking HAS decreased somewhat, but still I can’t live with him here anymore if he’s going to drink.  A friend gave me a book titled, “Living with an alcoholic” but I can’t seem to get myself in the frame of mind to read, and live accordingly.  My mind tells me I’m taking the easy way out by asking him to leave.  But it also tells me that sanity is just around the corner.   And if he leaves and I can’t see what he is doing to himself, then when he does come visit, we can have a much healthier relationship.  He doesn’t have many options when it comes to moving.  He lost his job – yes, overslept one too many times.  And a huge liability for him is that he has 2 golden retrievers.  Even if someone would take him in, they’d have the dogs to consider.  Right now he has one option.  We’ll see what happens.

All my life I have built my 2 boys up.  They’re both intelligent kids.  This one (Justin) especially.  Ever since he took one of those academic tests in 7th grade, and the results came back post college level, I have known that he could do or be anything he wanted.   I know that alcoholism is an across the board kind of disease, but it sure seems to like the intelligent ones, doesn’t it?  (btw, he didn’t get it from me OR his dad *S*)  My point in that first sentence is, did I build him up TOO much?  Did I give him the false impression that he wouldn’t have to work for what he wanted?  I don’t blame myself for the alcoholism.  I just wonder if there was something I could have done differently. 

I have a better outlook today than yesterday.  I know that in the big picture, things will be ok.  Still, I want to see my son happy and healthy in my lifetime. </< body body<<<<