06/28/2011
I haven’t written much because there’s not much to tell.
I’ve been holding onto my emotions with a tight grip and a prayer… hopefully I’ll be able to talk with my psych. on Friday and he’ll change the meds for me.
Life’s fallen into a pattern for me, and I’m hopefully going to change that pattern too. I just have to get out more. ::chuckles:: There’s a lot of hope in this entry so far.
I’ve been working on maile all weekend. My hands feel sad, blisters on my fingers and whatnot, but I’m enjoying the work. I got all the bracelets and anklets done for my aunt, and I got a necklace done and a few pairs of earrings and some more things. I figure I’ll have a bit more inventory before I get to go to Make Olympia; a new craft faire in downtown Oly. I’m excited about it because it runs at the same time as Lakefair, which means that I’m going to have a lot more people around than I normally would… and since I can’t afford the three hundred and fifty dollars to get my booth in lakefair, paying 45 to get my booth and to be on the way to the fair, is a fair deal. Money’s been really tight, specially since I didn’t do all that well at All’s Faire, but Bonnie’s helping me out a lot with it. I owe her muchly.
Been working on maile, like I said. I have more to take pictures of, and more that I need to get on the website, and yeah… I’m way behind in that. I’m almost tempted to find someone who can do the website stuff for me; make up stuff to say about the pieces and post the pictures on etsy and ebay and whatnot. Anyone want a job? It doesn’t pay much, has no benefits, but you’ll get my everlasting love… that has to be worth something. I was so far behind this weekend that I made Mom and Court both help me with opening rings… granted, Court only worked for a half hour, and Mom for an hour, but that’s time that I was able to spend doing other stuff and finishing up other projects. I need a ring monkey too. Seriously.
But I’d rather have the person to post everything for me.
God my hands hurt.
I cried myself to sleep again last night. For a stupid reason, as always. I want to say I was more frustrated than depressed, but I don’t know if that’s true or not. There’s a cynical part of me that points out to things like this and say, “See! THAT’S why you can’t trust anything that anyone says.” and “See! You really DON’T matter.” Cide, I hate you at times.
I Feel like there’s a wall of glass between me and the rest of the world. I can see it, I can sometimes smell it and hear it, but when I go to touch it, I can’t. I feel like that with my friends too… I can’t touch you, I can’t influence you really… am I really here? We talk and I get to look at you, but I just… I don’t feel like I’m an actual part of the world. I’m so lonely, lonely to the bottom of my soul. I just, don’t feel like I matter to a single person. Logically, I know that’s not true, people tell me it’s not true, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s how I _feel_. Kumu, you tell me that people will miss me, that my absence is noticed and remarked upon. If that’s so, then why is my presence not noticed? Why is it when I try to sit and talk, I get pushed aside, or otherwise gagged? How can I be wanted, needed, loved, when I cannot even find a single person who knows that I’m here?