06/19/2011

It’s four am and I’ve been up for about a half hour or so.  I woke up to Court and Podling laughing and playing DoA 4.  I don’t mind being woken up, in fact, I really enjoy coming downstairs and watching them play.  I haven’t seen Court have this much fun in a long time. ::grin::

Today was a bad day for most of it.  Work sucked really really bad and I just… couldn’t concentrate and couldn’t deal. I spent some time downtown, went to the used book store and bought a cheap book (that’s pretty good too) and then sat at the thai restaurant, drinking water, eating soup, and reading for a good hour or so.  I left once it started getting busy, and came home.  I was in a much better mood afterwards.  I came home, spent time with Mom and Court, and did chainmaile.  When Catrina came to pick up Mom, she dropped off podling.  We watched T.V, I worked on maile, and we all just snickered and talked and relaxed.  I went to sleep around 10:30 or so.  And now I’m awake.  Or at least, mostly awake.

I don’t know, this is nice… just the energy here, the two of them laughing and bonding and me down here sharing in the warmth.  But at the same time, it gives me the feeling of not being here… well, no, of being here but not belonging here.  I’ve been feeling that way for a while, everywhere.  I don’t fit in at work, and I’m feeling swamped, I just want to curl up and hide.  I don’t have any real strong ties anywhere… I don’t feel like I have strong ties to the household these days.  I’m giving Court control of the finances… with my depression and everything else, I’m in no position to be in control of money.  I’m also going to force Court to put his app in at places other than the casino… I can’t handle this anymore.  ::sigh:: And everywhere else… I don’t know, i just feel like I’m a square peg, trying to fit in a round hole.

I realized exactly how bad it was today.  I was playing the RP with Brandon, when he introduced an NPC that’s pretty much Aio (my character) +.  She can do everything that my character can do, only better.  And I just… I felt so damned useless and so depressed that I had to stop playing, I just… I couldn’t function. I was imprinting my bitterness onto my character and it wasn’t right.

DH has been a great escape but at the same time, I’m feeling so… so disconnected from it in a way.  I asked Brandon to make it so that the world was only for me, so he wouldn’t run any other games in it — I don’t get to RP much and I was tired of having shit change faster than I could play.  So instead of having people play in the game, he tells all his friends about it and they start figuring out artwork and story shit and all this stuff, which is awesome, but with this god damned depression and Depersonalization hitting as hard as it is, all I can see is the fact that they’re doing stuff with the game that I don’t have any say in.  It doesn’t help that Brandon’s decided that he’s going to turn the transcript into a story and won’t let me see it at all.  Hell, I haven’t seen anything that he’s said he and his friends have created. ::sigh:: I don’t know.  I can’t trust my feelings these days, and that sucks.

I’m also over thinking _everything_ and it’s really fucking me over.  I’m almost thinking that getting some pills that’ll turn me into a zombie who doesn’t think would be an improvement.