Randoms (Pretty Long)

 There’s a lot that’s happened; but nothing that I really want to talk about, so this will be sketchier than it should be.

Found out the story as to why Maili’s out of a job.  Apparently one of the chicks that Maili worked with was pissy because she wanted her boyfriend to get a job, or get his job back (not sure which one it is) and she told the acting General Manager that everyone on Maili’s crew was drinking while at work, which is total bullshit.  Well, the General Manager pulled my sister aside and told her that if Maili wanted to keep her job, then she needs to turn in the names of everyone on her shift who was drinking while on shift, and if she didn’t, then she’d get fired after a full investigation, because the GM just _knew_ that Maili was one of them who was drinking.  Now, my sister was skating a drinking problem at one time and is still hitting the alcohol kind of hard, but she’s _never_ drank while at work.  Granted, she may show up at work drunk (usually on days where she was up till 6am drinking, having gotten off at 2 am, only to be called into work at 10am), and she may snag a beer from a friend to drink on the way home, but she’s never drank alcohol while at work.  

She spent the past week playing Donkey Kong Country on her SNES, drinking and hanging out with her friends, spending time with her other half, and of course, exploding my modem.  I have to say, the house looks really nice still and she did a wonderful job of cleanin it up.  I had one hell of a laugh the day that she was cleaning… she was cleaning out the closet (which has the water heater, the sewing machine, and the DDR pads in it, along with some cleaning supplies and nothing else… or so I thought) and found a plastic bag.  In the bag was the character sheets and my dice that I thought my little brother had stolen.  Apparently he came in, saw the laptop bag, emptied it out, threw all the books back into the bag and put the character sheets and dice into the plastic bag, stashing them, before leaving with my books, laptop, and all the other shit that he stole.  I laughed so hard at this.  I don’t know if I was laughing because I was funny, or if it was the only way to let out the anger.  I think it was out of amusement though… and gratitude.  Yes, I know he stole from me, and I know he’s a bastard for that… he burnt every bridge that he had here, but he did leave the only things that were unable to be replaced.  And a lot of good came out of the theft.  If Ben would never had stolen everything, then Courtenay would have never given me his number and I wouldn’t have had a way to text him… or maybe I would and it would have been later, when our paths were already diverged in a way that they’d never be able to come together.

Speaking of Court; we’re doing decently… I was told a few things that make me sit and think more about stuff and whatnot.  I’m trying really hard to remember what it’s like to react as oppose to act, and how to word things so that my thoughts and feelings are clearer.  There’s a lot of learning going on for both of us, and ultimately it’s good.  

I got into a fight with a close friend and he walked away.  He said some harsh words, some of which I think are true, and others that I can’t allow myself to believe unless I want to use them to rake along my already raw feelings.  I’m going to take some of his words to heart and see what I can do to improve myself, but I don’t think it’s as one sided as everything was made out to be.  

On the list of ways to improve myself is to talk to my doc about changing the dosage of meds.  The friend told me that I was still depressed and my first instinct was to say "I can’t be, I’m not how I used to be."  and then I stopped for a long moment and thought.  No, it’s not as bad as it used to be, not at all, but there are signs that things aren’t the way they should be.  I’ve been dreaming red lately… and not just dreams, but thoughts while I’m awake.  There’s no compulsion, but I find myself thinking of things like slicing into my fingertips in order to ‘paint’ the walls with my blood… If it was a passing thought I wouldn’t be half as worried, but it comes back time and time again.  

I’m also going to look into Hot Yoga.. there’s a studio down the street from my house and they have an introductory offer of unlimited classes for a week for only 20.00. After that it’s 15.00 a class, but you can buy bulk classes for less.  A month of unlimited classes is only 133 dollars or so; I don’t think I’ll have that much money for a few months, but I can at least try the first month out and possibly go to class two or three times a week.  If nothing else it’ll get me out of the house, no?  And I miss Yoga.  

Work’s… well… God.  Kristal’s already told me that she’s not coming back after her Maternity Leave… which means once she has the baby in October, I’ll be under Brenda’s mercy.  And I’m not really looking forward to that.  She doesn’t know the difference between her own Opinion and actual Fact as pertaining to the ICs.  In fact, because I was listening to her and scrapped an "unnecessary" part of the audit, the Tribal auditors jumped down the big boss’s throat… and you know what they say about bodily waste and steep declines.  

Hmm… what other news do I have?  I’ve been reading The Way of Shadows by Brent Weeks this week.  It’s pretty good… well, really good. I only wish I could write things that are half as interesting as that.  Well, my stories are only first drafts so of course they’re not as good as that one, but they’ll get there when I finally sit down, put my nose to the grindstone, and get working on them.  I’m not going to be able to get the proof copy of the story from this year’s NaNo due to the fact that I’m nowhere near close enough with it to make it worth proofing.  But! I will be able to get the proof next year, I just need to make sure I finish my nanowrimo goal then.  I have a few ideas already set up for my story… I don’t know if I want to go back to the NaNo that I had and abandoned two years ago, or if I want to write a companion novel to it.  Probably the second idea… I’m in love with the Angelic Conflict story and how it was going… sorta.  I was just getting too caught up in the details to really get the speed that I was needing, hence why I only got about 25,000 words as opposed to the needed 50,000.  But I will get back to work on that.  In the meantime I think I’m going to work on the outline thing for the new story so when it comes time for NaNoWriMo, I’ll have fully fleshed out characters and an inventive plot.  The plot isn’t all that original, to be honest… the idea that I have is that one of God’s avenging angels has been sent to Earth for some reason or another and he ends up falling for a mortal woman and has to choose between his angelic presence / place with God, or the woman that he loves.  It’s going to be fun to see how it weaves its way into the world that I’m already building for the first of the Angelic Conflict stories that I have set up.  With my luck it won’t go well, buuuuut, I’ll get plenty of joy and frustration out of

it.  

I’m supposed to be calling Courtenay in two hours there abouts, and I think I’m in the mood to write, or at the very least, to contemplate writing.  

Just under three weeks till I go and visit Courtenay.  I’ve talked to his mother on the phone twice and from what I can tell, she doesn’t hate me. ::laughs:: which is a good thing.  I have three weeks to get everything set up and ready for my trip, and to get the baby quilt for Mama Leslie’s grandbaby finished.  I’m going to give her the black, white, and red quilt.  I think she’ll like it.  It’s a tad bit bigger than most crib quilts, but it needed to be in order to feel right pattern wise.  I’m thinking about taking everything off of the desk in the kitchen and setting up the sewing machine one night, so I can bind the quilt.  Oh hell, that means I need to find the red fabric and get pieces cut for binding . Chris + cutter + fabric = one hell of an interesting time.

I really haven’t been doing anything too creative lately.  I’ve just been floating along; sleeping more, thinking more, doing less.  Sometimes I wonder about the futility of it all.  I’ve been told that I really don’t want to change, no matter what lies I tell myself.  And I wonder fi those words aren’t true.  I thought I wanted to change, I’ve started a change, or so I thought.  I still walk while at work, but I find myself spending more and more afternoons without leaving my desk – not all because of my own volition.  I’ve been drinking those icky V8 juices while at work.  I need to go back to watching what I eat, I’ve been eating my troubles away again and I need to stop that.  I just… I don’t know.  Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth it, if all this work and trouble that I’m putting myself under is really worth what I’m getting for it.  I’m trying to be more focussed on what I want and need, trying to learn my body and all of the little messages that it gives me; learn my mind and all the corners of it, so I’ve been focusing more inward (which I believe is one of the reasons why I’m getting down so much these last few weeks), and because of that I’ve been careless.  Careless with my words, my actions, my attentions and inattentions.  To be honest, I wonder if I’m not trying to just let go and drift some… to say "I give up." but I’m not sure what it is that I’m giving up on, or giving up… I don’t know what it is that’s putting me in this kind of mood.  Well, no, I lie.  I do know what part of it is.  I’m lonely.  And talking to people online isn’t helping that at all.  It’s the kind of loneliness that hits me sometime… when I just want to talk with someone face to face, to be able to watch the expressions dance over their face as they talk story.  Y’know, just having some time with friends, people who you don’t have to put on a mask for, or hell, let’s be honest.  I want to spend some time just kind of resting, without having to talk if I don’t want to talk, or to do anything other than be there.  

It’ll get better though.  20 days and Court will have to deal with me.  i’ll have someone I can talk with, someone with whom I can sit in the same room with and do my own thing, but know that I’m not alone.  

Night time’s the worst.  I hate the night time.  the house is so silent and it’s seldom a silence that having music or a movie playing can fill.  Just two hours… two hours and I can go and lay down, talk to Courtenay and sleep.  I’m thinking about taking a nap.  Which would be a mistake – if I fall asleep now I won’t wake up till I have to get ready for work.  Maybe a shower.  I think that sounds like a good idea… a nice hot shower in a little while, once I finish rambling here and do whatever writing I want to do.  

Dad’s birthday was 12 days ago.  

I’m still not sure how I feel about it, the fact that this is another birthday of his that I’m missing, that I’m a bad daughter for not attempting to get into touch with him with a call or a note or a card or something.  Then I remember that I wasn’t the one who broke the bond with the family, that it was him and his actions towards me and my sister, towards my mother and what he ultimately helped create in my brother.  I know this, and I wasn’t upset at all at the fact that I was missing him until he got into touch with me last year? year before? whenever it was.  He told me that he was better, that when he did those things he was sick and didn’t know what he was doing, and I’ll give him that; he was sick, sick with drink and drugs, and he didn’t know what he was doing, that was obvious.  The doctors say that it was Post Tramatic Stress Disorder that was making him drink and abuse first pot, then meth.  I understand this, but even then, there were scars that I wasn’t able to deal with.  But I did call him and we did talk… and the whole time he was pushing for me to see him, for us to be a family again, and I couldn’t do that, I couldn’t give that to him.  He called daily, sometimes 5, 10 times a day.  We unplugged the phone because it was the only way to keep him from trying again and again to call and to get us to throw ourselves into his arms.  He told me about the money he was getting from the VA and how he was putting things together again, he was getting himself together again, and I told him how proud I was of him, and I was proud of him, I am proud of him.  I just can’t go back to how things were, I can’t forgive and forget… Well, I can forgive, but I can’t forget and there’s never a chance that we’re going to have a father / daughter relationship, but I could be his friend if he let me.  We could start building a relationship, slowly… but he doesn’t want slow.

You know what my biggest fear is?  That I’ll not be able to reconcile with my father… that by the time I’m ready to talk with him again, to try to build our trust again, however shakily, he’ll be dead and gone.  I’ve been told quite a few times that he doesn’t look like he’s going to hold on much longer.  There’s a perverse part of me that wants to check all the local newspapers for the obits, just to make sure I haven’t lost my chance to reconcile.  But I don’t know if it’s time yet… It doesn’t feel like time.  

Speaking of obits… my aunt sent me a link for my grandfather’s obit.  It felt really weird, seeing my name in the newspaper.  I was a byline in another person’s life.  But isn’t that how it goes?  I didn’t really know him, his death was the death of a stranger, one who happened to have been married to my favorite grandmother, but a stranger none the less.  I wonder if I’ll ever end up losing the ability to touch the lives of my family, if i’ll leave any of them thinking of themselves as a byline in my life, a marginal, bit player who doesn’t have any knowledge of me, any memories of me.  

I think these thoughts a lot in the still of the night.

I’m wordy today. 

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking.  Just living in my head for the most part.  I’ve been pulled out of my thoughts for hours at a time, either while dealing with people at work, or while Court coaxes me out.

 I think I think to much sometimes.

I just found one of my old Penny Press Logic Problems books.  I think I’m going to sit down and work on a couple of them… it’s been ages since I’ve done any logic problems.