10/27/06

heard a song on the radio last night by Johnny cash…it was on one of those radio stations that is completely run by computer but they give it a human name  " doug fm " to try to fool you. Any way this station plays everything, the song right after the Johnny Cash tune was "Jump " by Van Halen

In this Johnny Cash song " Legend In My Time " there was a line that i thought was just brilliant.

" If loneliness brought world acclaim , then i’d be a house hold name. "

I bet alot of people out there can relate to this. At times I sure as hell can. I really have no urge what so ever to write at this moment, but i told my self that I should at least mash my hands into the keyboard a few times and see what comes out .

I really have to get my ass in gear and have a talk with my  friends  and tell them that even though i care for them all, i just don’t have it in me to be the shoulder to cry on anymore. There is just too much stuff going wrong in all my friends lives for me to deal with right now. I know I sound like a prick for saying that but  if I ever plan to walk around with a smile on my face again I have to start to limit the amount of grief my friends dump on me. I know all i have to do is listen to them and let them vent , but I’ve started to notice that I seem to hate everything and everyone right now and can only imagine that this all stems from thier problems.

It’d Friday ….my last night on the afternoon shift…i think a few of the guys and I are going to go out and hit the bar again tonight …I plan on keeping it calm and relaxed tonight …no getting home in the wee small hours of the morning , no trying for a threesome…no drinking any shot that’s put in front of me ….then again it does sound like fun !…lol

Sunday will be the 20th aniversary of a Friends death …I’ll carry it around with me for the rest of my life. We weren’t great friends. we worked the summer together in the corn fields and he used to stop by the gas station that i worked at from time to time…the last time i ever saw him alive , he came into the gas station and filled up his bike…we were always punching each other and swearing back and forth so I never thought anything of it when he punched me in the shoulder and told me to go fuck myself…I of course punched him back and told him to fuck off and die as he started up his bike and took off out of the parking lot…thats the last thing i ever said to him…fuck off and die. He lost control of his bike the next morning and slammed into a pick up truck killing himself instantly. 20 fucking years and i know that what i said had nothing to do with his death, but try telling that to the 16 year old version of me thats in my head.

sorry …no later fuckers on this entry…just doesn’t have the right kind of feel to it.