9/22/06

When i was about the age of 5 , my grandparents had a cottage on the shore of one of the great lakes ( Erie ). The entire family was always out there in the summer . I don;t know why but as a small child i was petrified of the lake,  I could swim like a fish in a pool but the lake just fucked me up somehow.

One day my Dad grabbed me and took me out to the sandbar, the entire time i was grabbing onto him scared for my life…you know the grab…you don’t ever want to let go for fear of something terrible happening. .. that grab.

As well as i can remember…that was the last time i grabbed my father like that …It litterally kills me to say it , but that was the last time. It’s not hard for me to see it , My arms wrapped around his neck so tightly that i’m almost choking him. Him swimming out with me strapped to his back choking him and the entire time  he’s telling me that everything is  ok  and that I’m perfectly safe. I see him bending down and putting his head under the water so that my feet could touch the sandbar and then pulling my arms from around his neck and leaving me on my tip toes with my head back so that water wouldn’t get into my mouth, i freaked out even though it was going to be about 12 years later that i actually knew what freaking out really was , I freaked, i tried to call for him but water ran into my mouth , each wave would raise over my head stopping my cries for my father to pick me back up. I don’t remember how i got back to the beach wether it was my dad or some other family member. I’m not 100% positive but i think this is where my trust in other people got it’s first crack .

I’m sitting here right now some 30+ years later thinking that i would give just about anything to be able to hold on to someone the way i held onto my father the day he took me out to the sandbar. But …there are 3 things stopping me.

1. I’m no longer 5.

2. I’;m no longer afraid of the lake.

3. when somethings are cracked or broken, they can never be fully repaired.