I Don’t Deserve Him

So, I told Sean. I spent two days as a basket case, worried that he wasn’t fine even though he said he was.

We talked a few times here and there, and really had a conversation about it last night.

"It was…two and a half years ago. We’ve grown a lot since then, we’ve built a life together. I’m not going to throw it all away. If I’m not OK, I’ll tell you."

I was surprised he wasn’t more angry. He was, too. He said he was going to talk to his doctor when he saw her next and make sure he wasn’t crazy for not being upset.

We’ve been trying to get back to normalcy.

I don’t necessarily feel better for telling him, but at least it’s not on my mind every. waking. moment any longer. And it was the right thing to do. I faced my worst fear, and came out of it ok.

There’s a long way to go until I’m "over it," if I ever am. Sean told me last night that I needed to let it go. He’s right. I’m trying. It was a mistake, something I have deeply regretted for a very long time, and something it was more than time I came clean about.

Still, it’s hard not to beat myself up.

So. Hopefully we can move forward now. Continue to move forward, really. I expected him to end things, and I’m amazed that he didn’t. Amazed and beyond happy. I’d resigned myself to that fate, but thought that the truth was more important for him to know. I deserved anything he was going to dish out.

And he didn’t dish out anything.

I’m nervous that he’s holding back and that he will be angry and upset, which he has every right to be. I hope in time that that feeling will fade and we can continue on.

I hope.