Too Much

I’ve been avoiding writing here, I think, because I do not want to face the feelings I currently have swirling around in my head.

But I find that I am headed so deeply down a road I do not want to go down that I need some kind of outlet.

I am, essentially, unemployed. My company can find me no work. After I worked my tail off for them on a contract I never should have been offered in the first place, they told me I had "worked myself out of a job." Meaning, I finished everything *too* quickly and they couldn’t bill the client for as much as they wanted.

So what happened? They punished me. Gave me a shot across the nose. Two weeks without a contract, which meant two weeks without a paycheck.

I worked for two weeks following those two weeks without pay. I still worked at my normal pace, because I refuse to simply bow down to that kind of pressure. Unethical at best, possibly illegal – I haven’t looked into it. At the end of this week, still nothing. They wanted me to drive over an hour each way, each day to a hospital in the southern part of our state. For 6-8 weeks.

I said no. I did not sign on for travel contracts – I only took the last one because I was told there was nothing else, and I was getting very tired of hearing that.

I expressed politely to three different people within the company how frustrating I found this situation. They ignored me.

My staffing manager didn’t even have the decency to call me on Friday and say they were working on something. I have a funny feeling they aren’t.

I’m filing for unemployment tomorrow morning.

And I am heartsick.

I have never needed to do this before. I feel like an absolute failure and I am beating myself up incredibly hard. I haven’t been this depressed in a very long time.

I am stressed out beyond anything, worrying how I will make my bills next month (I already paid them up for this month). I feel disgusted with my company for doing this to me, when I have been nothing but a great employee. I feel worthless because I know I am putting Sean in a tight spot if I’m not able to pay for anything. I’m running on a short fuse, unable to stop my brain from circling back to my unemployment and snapping at anybody who asks questions about it. I shouldn’t say anybody – my mother, for example, going "Well will you even get unemployment?" is enough to send my anxiety spiraling through the roof and I lose it.

I’m simply on edge. On the edge of freaking out. On the edge of crying, all the time. Over the edge of being depressed. I can’t even force myself to get angry about my company any longer. I’m just…done. I am totally apathetic.

And, unlike other times, I am not at all optimistic. I worry about how long this could drag on.

I’m scared. I’m very scared. I’m a 27 year-old professional with a niche job. I’m not even qualified to go work at a store. This is all I’ve done and all I know.

I will not take this lying down. I will get up. When I can stop crying.