Lots to Say

It seems like I’ve lived a lifetime since I last wrote.

To start with, Sean.

We’ve talked everything out. We are working on rebuilding things. He told me, of course, that it was just "guy talk." So I said the same exact things to him. "I’d fuck (name) in a minute if I could." "I’m not sure I’d love you if I lost weight." Then I asked him how that felt, and told him to imagine that he knew I meant it; that I wasn’t just using it for illustrative purposes.

He seemed to wake up after that. He’s put a lot more effort in, and it doesn’t seem like it was a fleeting thing. It’s been sustained.

Now, I’m having a problem with one of his friends. I’m not sure I want to get into it too much, but the guy walked into my house yesterday and immediately called me stupid. Then followed that up with I was petty, because I didn’t offer him a cup of coffee right away. Then he asked my parents incredibly inappropriate questions.

This was after I’d discovered that he was telling Sean bad shit about me and then saying that bad shit back to me in order to get us to fight. WTF? Seriously? How old are we?

He tried to pull shit on me a few weeks ago, saying that I had taken Sean away from him to spend time with my parents. I and the other girl in the car shut him down. He does not belong in my relationship. He needs to butt out.

I told him last night at one point, very sternly, "OK. You’re done. That’s enough."

If I don’t call him out, he keeps treating me like shit. But you know what? I am not going to constantly be on the defensive around this jackwagon.  I told Sean last night he’s no longer welcome in our home. Sean took it upon himself to speak to him about his behavior towards me, and is meeting with him as we speak. He said if he’s just being malicious for no reason, he has nothing more to say. But he wants to know what the fuck the problem is first.

I feel badly on one hand. I don’t want to cause strife in his friendship. I also told him a few times that I was an adult and could handle his behavior, but Sean said he needed to talk to him about this. On the other hand, I am relieved that it’s being addressed.

In the vein of addressing lingering issues…

I did something I didn’t think I ever would. I cut off all contact with Jim. I sent him a message explaining why, because I would have wanted to know. It was no ill will, but I’d been messaging him while drunk and said some things that I was incredibly embarrassed about. So embarrassed, in fact, that I will not repeat them here. After I had time to think, I told him I simply needed to remove that temptation to do stupid things. Then I removed him from my FB friend list.

He said he understood and wished me well.

It feels like the final step, the nail in the coffin, and it honestly feels really good.

Work’s been an ever-loving nightmare. But thankfully, it’s my last week with this contract. Then a week with my little hospital in PA. Then vacation. Thank goodness.

My weight loss efforts have stalled. I’ve been working 10 hour days at home followed by 3-4 hours at a local hospital, followed by Little Man on Fridays and full weekends. I barely have time to shower and brush my teeth, nevermind get a workout in.

I just hate how I look right now. I feel absolutely disgusting. I need to make it a priority, but I can’t put more than 24 hours into a day. I need to make some kind of plan, but I’m not sure where to start.

I have an appointment with a new primary care doc on July 12th. That’s where I’m going to start. I need to get baselines, find out my blood sugar, BP, all of that good stuff. And I’m going to ask for her input on where to start. I’m just overwhelmed, I think. And when I get overwhelmed, I don’t want to do anything.

Thankfully, I think (?) things are going to start slowing down this week. It’s been non-stop going going going for the past few weeks. I’m just pooped.

I’m going to head to bed and try to get up early and hit the gym tomorrow. Thanks for listening, all.