So, What’s New and Exciting?

Holy moly I am le tired.

I was up very late last night (my fault) when I had to be up early for Chrissy’s baby shower (technically Brian’s fault). I helped with set up and running games and clean-up and present delivery. In all, it turned out to be a 7 hour affair. On top of all of the time I spent helping create and assemble favors. But it was totally and completely worth it – Chrissy had a huge smile on her face nearly the whole time. It made my heart happy.

Being around so much baby stuff, I realized…I really *don’t* want kids. Sean and I have discussed it a lot over the last few weeks in particular. We’d rather put our money and energy into ourselves and our friends. I’m not interested in snot, puke, poop, eye goop…it’s just not me. I like kids in small doses, and babies are cute…but I really and truly do not want to be a mother.

This idea was met with resistance by my mom and sister. Hell, my mom was hoping for a child out of wedlock between Sean and I. But I just don’t have it in me to care about what they want or what societal expectations are of us. I’m not going to have a kid because it’s what I’m "supposed" to do. It’s not fair to me, it’s not fair to Sean, and it’s not fair to the kid.

If I were to get pregnant, it wouldn’t be the end of the world. But I’m going to take the appropriate steps to make sure it doesn’t happen.

That also brings up an interesting question of if we even want to get married. The main reason to do that would be for the kids. There are financial implications as well, but later in life – retirement and life insurance and such. I think we’ll end up doing it eventually, but I don’t think it’ll be any time soon.

I’ve been through one divorce. That was enough for me. If we were to split, dear God it would be hard. But it wouldn’t be as hard as divorce. There wouldn’t be any legalities to drag everything out. That was what was hardest for me, I think – I kept trying to make my peace and move on, but there was always a reminder – a court date, more paperwork to be signed, figuring out the house and bank situation – that pushed me back into that place of being a failure.

I truly never want to go through that ever again.

And the sad fact is, people change. People grow apart. As happy as we are, as easy as it is for us to communicate – who’s to say that it will still be that way in five years? Ten? Twenty? There’s just no way to know for sure.

Wow that was a lot of rambling.

So! Work is going very well. I am enjoying this contract so far. It’s seriously hassle-free. I’ve been working 4 ten hour days and am going to start using the extra day to pack. I’ve been using them being up at SH, but I need to back away. They’re still treating me like I run the program. I…do not. So, I need to be less available.

Things are still very strained with my mother. I’m trying to just avoid her as much as possible. She is trying very hard – calling me several times a week, expressing an interest in my life – but I just don’t have it in me to give her anything but the most basic of answers. I don’t have it in me to let myself trust her right now. It’s sad, but I think, more than anything, it’s sanity preservation. I can’t keep putting myself into these situations.

My sister and I are totally fine. She accepted that I don’t want to hear about my brother and we’ve moved on. I can forgive her a bit easier, because she’s my sister and a kid. My mother…it’s been 26 years worth of hurt and disappointment. That will be a bit more difficult, to say the least.

God knows I should have more packed because we are MOVING in less than a month! *cheers* *vomits* I’m very excited to move to a place where well both be comfortable. I’m sad to be moving away from Brian and Chrissy and V and Dave – all of whom are within 15 minutes away right now. But it’s not like we’re going across the state or anything. We’ll still be around!

On that note, I am off. Must work tomorrow. Must play WoW tonight. Life is hard and stuff. 😉