I’ve Stopped

I’ve stopped looking for engagement rings and looking at flower arrangements. I’ve stopped looking at houses or thinking about what to name our children.

They say that the three year point is the turning point; the one where you are annoyed by all of your partner’s quirks and failings. We’re not there yet.

I don’t get annoyed anymore.

I think it’s either because I expect it from you, or because I’ve just stopped caring.

I talked to him the other night. I told him to come home. It’s so weak and so foolish, and I know he’s not the right path for me. But I don’t know if you are either. He was just so damn quiet when I said we were talking about getting married. Just like he was so damn quiet when I talked about moving in with you.

I’m going to see him when he’s home this December. In a public place. I need to talk to him about this before it’s too late. I won’t go through it again.

There are times when you seem happy, and I feel that spark of hope. The times when we converse so easily and laugh so much. But then there is the rest of our lives, the part where I won’t speak because I don’t think you’ll care. The part where it really is all about you and what you want instead of me and what I need.

It’s not even about what I want. It’s what I need. And you put your own desires ahead of that.

You think I’m so socially awkward still. It’s really only around you. I was the life of the party the other night; the main attraction, as completely arrogant as that sounds. But I was. Everyone enjoyed my company so much, and I sparkled in my own way.

I don’t sparkle with you.

I don’t know if it’s because it’s so easy to overlook us now that we are together so often. I don’t know if it’s because it’s so easy to hurt the ones you love; the ones who will always forgive you.

I just don’t know.

There are no easy answers here.

I keep promising myself that I am going to start loving me. That I’m going to start taking care of me and not letting you drag me down. I keep failing at that.

I am too kind for my own good.

I don’t know what the next year will bring. I don’t even know what the next month will bring. I do know that there is love for you in my heart.

I hope it’s enough.