I Find It Kind of Funny, I Find It Kind of Sad…

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to see that Jim is with someone and not have a lump in my throat. He seems happy, and that is enough for me. Her name is Sarah as well, which is a strange coincidence.

I guess it’s just something you don’t ever get over. There is a lot of unresolved stuff there, stuff that will never be resolved between us. Because we should have been together, and we weren’t. We never really had the natural progression of dating, where there is a clear, defined ending, a "getting over it" period, and then friendship.

I think my heart will always wind up in my throat when I see that he’s moved on. Even though I have, too. He’s kind of taken on the role of my "first love," and he honestly has more meaning to me than Rob, my genuine first love, did. Jim was my first love after a soul-crushing period in my life, when I didn’t believe that love would ever come again. He proved that wrong for me. I will always love him for that. And I will always love him, period. He’s Jim. How could I not?

I don’t want this to give the wrong impression. I’m not longing; I’m not sad. I’m honestly happy. He deserves happiness, in spite of all of his dick moves towards me. I want him to be happy and fulfilled, and to find a person to prove to him that love isn’t a myth. I want him to find his own Jim. If that makes sense.

Sean and I are doing fantastically. The anti-depressants have really helped his mood swings. We are communicating very well, and I find myself laughing at the silliest things with him. We are silly. I love it.

I love him.

We just came back from a trip to California. It was wonderful. We found a beach while we were out there that was public, but secluded. It was just the two of us. We sat there and talked for a long time.

He is the man I’m going to spend the rest of my life with. I wish I could describe how that makes me feel. I find myself tearing up. The emotion is so overwhelming. I tried to describe it to him, and I couldn’t find the words. I feel like I can hardly contain this joy inside of me. It’s just too big for one person.

He’s my best friend. I can talk to him about things that I have never talked to anyone about before, and I feel comfortable doing it. We understand so much about each other. It is just absolutely amazing to me how well we fit.

He makes sense to me. He makes sense in my life. I am babbling, because I just can’t figure out the right ways to explain this emotion inside of me. I guess there just isn’t a way. Tough for the writer in me to accept. 🙂