and i wait.

i spend minutes, hours, days on the phone
trying to work out this life of sitting at home
and waiting
checking the mail
counting down days
and reasons
and ways
to get through this
all this time to think and feel
and be
has never been becomming of me.
i worry
and i wonder
i clean
and i contemplate
i walk around in circles
i constantly question fate.

and i wait.

i feel guilty
insane
helpless
afraid
alone
unsure
so much less
so much more.

i feel too young
too old
too caring
too cold.

i dont know what day of the week it is
i have little concept of time
it always feels too early
too late.

i look at the date.
i check the mail.
i call welfare.
and i wait.