one day i may be gone.

i assume you have been shooting venom since you were in the womb. it’s in your genes, your blood. a few years later, your mother left you in a crib, in a house, by yourself. i think youve been that way ever since. the temper may not have started with your father, but it certainly didnt end there either. your brother getting killed fueled the fire that later in your life left you as alone as you’d always felt. it’s always you against the world. the minute you tip that bottle back, i become on the other team. it’s not a mind over heart over matter sort of situation. you become someone completely different. this look that appears in your eyes, in your frown lines, in your clenched fists always leaves me with the feeling that i am dealing with a complete stranger. youd never lay your hands on me, but i know that you have wanted to, and that is almost enough. it’s the things you say that hurt me, it’s the things you bring up, make up, accuse of, that always leave questioning if a drunk-angry-lonely-scared-unhappy mans words are a sober mans thoughts. i never retreat, although i am usually not in the wrong, i follow you, yell at you ‘i thought you loved me..’

i stare in to your blazing eyes as if trying to get you to recognize me, remember i am the one that you want to spend the rest of your life with. my only relief is that these times are so few and far between, but in the end we are still left broken somehow. like we have lost a little bit of whatever it is that holds us together. i wince at the stories i hear of your fathers drunken rages when you were a child. the things he said to you, the things he did. i know that thats not an excuse for me or for anyone else, i know you didn’t choose to be angry the way i didnt choose to be sad. i cant yell anymore, just cry, until you are crying too, and you tell me how sorry you are, how better off without you i would be. how maybe no one can ever be with you, and this is how you were ment to be.

how am i supposed to be with anyone who is always alone. how am i supposed to love someone who deems themselves unlovable. how am i supposed to live my life with someone who makes me feel like i cant make them happy, when in reality they have never been.

it’s like jeykel and hyde and one day it will either go away or i will have been pushed so far that there will be no chance of coming back.