nonsense, really.

i walked outside tonight and the night air brought me to tears. the smell, the feeling on my skin, the sounds, the sky. emotions come through me often with many things now. nostalgia, in a way, meloncholy, sometimes. (usually). scents, feelings, scenes, (thoughts) hit me so strong. it seems that almost ever bit of my past is behind me completely. gone. and i always tell myself that that is a good thing, that im better than that, that i am smarter and more mature, older and wiser. and mostly different. that things had been so bad in one way or another that it completely ruined that point in my life. in high school it had been.. high school and home. the next year it was something completely different and so on. and every bad part, every shitty aspect of it is all i can remember. i dont remember the things that were ok, the things that were great. i dont even think i have a best day in my whole life. every memory is catergorized with a time period labeled with unhappiness. the bad things are what have made me. you know, there are so few things i like to look back on. everything else i push in to the back of my mind. none of it i let myself remember. and it is all that has made me right now. and then every so often something puts me back in time and i find myself wishing it had all ended differently. not because i want things to be different now, but because i want to stop seeing the past as one big mistake.i am not stupid, but i did a lot of stupid things that i will never forgive myself for. people i will never forgive. and today i feel like i want to be a different person. i want to have a different past, not be so pessemistic, and frusterated and stressed out and so annoyed. and i have no idea how i got this way. i have no idea what to do next. its been so long since i have had a plan that i dont really remember what the last plan was. i feel really helpless sometimes. (usually). and i can hardly remember the time i didnt.

i want what happens next to be with him. its never been quite like this before. (more helplessness). he is everything to me. he is one of my few sources of saneness. he makes me melt everyday. there are still butterflies and fireworks and all the nonsense. and its been almost two months. i want him to be my future.

its funny how its the past that is always bothering me. perhaps thats why i cant appreciate the present.
(and i really should be)