3/9/07

im glad i am drunk right now and i cant drive. im sad and this will keep me away from drunk dialing. im lonely. usually i like drinking alone but tonight i did it for the wrong reasons and i am stopping myself from calling the boys that i know will answer the phone. i still use my common sense, my defense, my feelings. blah. if i could drive i would be at walmart picking out black hair dye because that is always what i want to do when i am drunk and sad. i want to show it, i want to show people, i want to make myself ugly, i want to show the world how i feel. how black i really feel. i settled with black nailpolish and i am keeping he scissors away from my head because i really want to cut my hair off. because i dont care. because i want to take this out on something, apparently myself. why do iget excited, get my hopes up? i always get let down anyway. should i know that by now? that nothing matters until it happens, nothing counts until it comes true and nothing is worth wishing for because really, it never helps. my fingernails match my keyboard and i keep looking at them, the light reflecting off of them, the blackness that shows my true feelings. there is light in them. the reflection from the ceiling light beams off of that that i am trying to ignore. because in the blackness, there is no light. there is no light in getting up for another glass of wine. expcept the light in the refrigerator that i have been starring at for days in a row now.

so what am i talking about? i have no idea. im going to be honest. i am drinking to make myself feel better,and really, it isnt working. i think i feel worse. i think i may be that much lonlier than i was before all of this. before the king and before middle school started creeping up on me. back when there was nothing. when the only thing there had been was phone calls in the middle of the night to get some one off that i stopped answering a while ago. things i didnt care about or have any good feelings toward. the things i realized a while ago were never going anywhere, and i came to terms with it, and i stopped letting it bother me. but then the past started coming back to haunt, and what did i think? that the past can be the future too? ha. fuck you. and you.