an idle mind is the devils workshop.

he tells me im angry. he tells me people can see the anger from miles away, and no matter how i try to hide it, its obvious and my bad mood reflects on other people when i am near them.i admitted i am someone i dont necessarily care to be, that that place eats away at my sanity and when i get pist off, it takes hours for me to get over it. i admitted it wasnt all work related and really, it has nothing to do with money. i told him this isnt me, that i dont like being mean and unhappy, that i dont mean to take it out on the customers or my coworkers, or my bosses. i admitted to faking smiles and greeting and salutations, because if i dont,i wouldnt be there anymore. if i dont put on the mask, something to hide behind, people would know how i truly felt, and i dont believe they can tell. they dont know me. they dont know whats happened or how it effects me, or what i feel when i go home to an empty apartment everyday full of silence and hidden emotions. they dont know that i live alone because thats the only way i can deal with people, with myself. that i cant answer to anyone when i dont want to, that everyone is better off because of that. no one knows what i think about, what i cant let go of, what has left me like this. they would think i was insane (maybe i am), they would think i was too emotional (though i never cry), or my heart is too broken (im willing to love again), or that i am depressed and i blame it on situations always beyond my control (maybe theres some truth behind that). they would think it was time for me to move on, to forget, to let go. but what they dont know, is i dont know how. i never did. i feel indifferent about most things, unemotional, uncaring. the things that bring out my emoitions are the ones i push in to the back of my mind and save for nightmares or reasons to finally cry.

i have all these things built up and hidden in the back of my mind, in the whole of my heart, in the knots in my back. he looks at me and tells me im angry. and i cant help but wonder if he is confusing anger with sadness. maybe ive just lost all hope. maybe the only escape i have found is running away from everything. maybe the only thing i can do is put distance between me and the things i try not to think about.

he tells me im angry, i dont tell him im sad.