i always think its so much more.

i remember when i was a junior in high school and rich used to bring me to pittsburgh for dinner or shopping. id go on random drives to the city, just to go see the city. it always did so much for me, always made me feel as though there was a big world out there, so much more than what i knew, so much more than me. living so close to it now, i still refuse to drive down town unless it is absolutely necessary. but from the surronding areas there are so many places where you can see it all, the lights, the buildings, the overlooks that make it seem so large, so far away. the beauty of it all always amazes me, but the comfort is less and less. i feel like i have been here too long now. like the possiblities are becoming less and less and i cant have this be the rest of my life. always on the outside, looking in.

this is my 21 year, the year i thought that would never come. the most wished for and exciting year to most people. still, after everyone kissed and banged pots and pans and when back inside for champagne, i found myself drunkenly perched on the porch about to cry. of course being drunk is not my best state of mind, but all i could think about as i looked at the too closely lined houses of brookline, was how i wasnt supposed to be there. i wasnt supposed to be in crafton, i wasnt supposed to be living alone, i wasnt supposed to be working everyday, i wasnt supposed to never leave my comfort zone. where i was supposed to be though is still something i am never certain about. i never thought ahead far enough in college for me to being finishing up my junior year. i never really had a plan, or even much of an idea, or desire. i have no idea what to do next, and nothing seems to be happening. nothing is pushing me through life except the years that are passing by.

i dont know how after all this time i found myself missing him tonight. i dont even remember him very much. i remember how he looked and his facial expressions and his voice, but i dont remember anything that happened. i dont remember the things we did or the conversations we had or what it feels like to hold him and feel complete. i dont remember that whole year, or very little of it. stupid stuff, mostly. so i convince myself that its  not really him i miss, its the way i felt about him that i so deeply wish to feel for someone else.
so its the new year with new beginnings, but why do we start the new year off with stupid decisions? i used to be completely ok with being alone.