don’t get me wrong, this was my life.

it was like someone squeezing my spinal cord as i had to keep reminding myself that i know these people and they are my friends, or were once and why i am doing this. when i pulled in, my back was so tense i could hardly move and if i’d have had to sit any longer i would have cried from the pain. i guess the commercial is right, stress does hurt. it’s funny, the ones i can hear say my name, the ones who walk past and dont glance my way, the history that is being ignored and forgotten by all, because i wont be the first to give in, im never the only one trying anymore. and i wish you could hear everyone say how i did the right thing and i should be looking out for myself and you were the one who fucked up and fucked me over. its funny because i hear that so often and i just laugh because i know that you would never agree, and what does it mean to me when you are thinking the opposite. it’s funny, because i am doing the right thing and not for one more second could i stand there, faced with so much. legs shaking, and knowing im the only one who cared. cared. past tense. and i told casey she’d talk to me soon, but i couldnt lie to her, i wouldnt be back, probably not ever.
and as i left that final time i knew that i had had my share of it all. that it no longer held anything i needed to help me in my life. it only held things that had been draggining me down all along. i allow myself to miss it every once in a while, but i always remind myself how it ended so i can remember there is no happiness there, and it was never my fault.
next year they are imploding where it all began. builiding suites in the place i built myself. if they had decided to do this 3 years early, my whole life would be different. i wish i could be there to watch it crumble and fall to the ground, because i find it so fitting in my imagination.
and the thing that made me smile when i almost cried, was knowing that my life was going to go on the next day, and none of it ment a thing to my reality.
i could leave it all behind way down 79.