I don’t know anymore

I don’t know how I feel, what i want, or what I should do anymore. In general I like having a relationship, but I would never get in one, just to have someone. I take my relationships seriously. I don’t date, just to date, ya know. I love S, sometimes I question myself why tho. Like he’s done plenty of dishonest shit to make me cry, and he has no clue how much hurt I hold inside or how much I cry when I’m alone. When we finally made ourselves official, things were great. He made me laugh, smile, even my heart was happy. That lasted all of one year, then things started going downhill. Main problems were money, I didn’t bring in enough. Every time money got low, and he had to ask his parents for help, he’d feel like less of a man and get mad cause we didn’t have money. First off, he spends money like it’s always gonna be there (instead of trying to save up some, which is possible) and then when it’s gone and a bill comes up we can’t pay right away, he gets in this mood and starts complaining. He was always saying I could try harder to find a job, or I could have been in school getting a degree by now, or complain to his son that I wasn’t doing anything to help, and all I did help with was groceries. He spends his money on one thing that is not for the house, and not a good thing for anyone to be doing, but yet complains when money isn’t there. I’m tired of it, And when he’s mad at me, he ignores me or any sign that his actions are upsetting me. I’m TIRED!!

Why does he want me around, if he feels like I”m not doing enough and he feels like a shit for taking money from his parents? Why is it ok to take money from me? I never judged him for his money status, never have. I’ve given what I can to help, even before we lived together. He has his good moments, he tells me he appreciates me, and all I do, and I believe him. However, when times get hard he’s back to being an asshole. He even admits to being an impatient asshole at times. That’s another problem, his impatience. It’s hard to deal with. There are a lot of good times we have, and we seem to talk more when he’s in a good mood. However, trying to talk to him when he’s not, is not worth the hassle. He won’t listen, or even try to engage in conversation which hurts my feelings. I ask him repeatedly if he’s happy with me, and he always says yes. Most times his actions say so, but when he’s mad i can’t deal wit him. He’s mean when he’s mad. I don’t think it’s intentional, but at the same time I don’t think he thinks about his actions, how they make him look and all that. I mean he’s not a terrible person, in general he’s a good person, but he can’t handle stress for shit. There are reasons I fell for him, but he made it hard to be with him sometimes.

I mean I question why I love him, because for the longest time  (in the beginning) he kept pushing me away. When I was gone away too long, he’d start missing me and ask me to come back, and like a fool I did (several times throughout our relationship). He was torn between wanting someone in his life, and not wanting to be hurt again, so when things got too close, he’d back up. Drove me up a fucking wall. I am not even sure he still knows what he wants. He says he loves me with all his heart, wants me around, appreciates me. I just wish his actions matched up in all areas. I’m not expecting things to be great everyday, cause I know they won’t. I just want honesty, trustworthiness and all that shit that makes a relationship work. All the stuff i do anyway, on my own. I think I fell for the little things that shows he cares, things he tried to keep me from seeing that showed him a good person. I loved his work ethics, the fact that I could be myself around him, how he was so dedicated to being in his son’s life, and how he has a great relationship with his parents (especially his mother). He’s caring, and all that. Just needs to work on stress and actions, and think about how they affect other people. It’s been an emotional stressful time being with him all this time (going on 9 years). I am grateful tho, he’s not abusive or hits me or anything. He wasn’t raised that way, and has not once done anything to make me fear him. His words tho….he needs to work on, when he’s stressed. He also needs to work on communicating. I’m getting tired of asking him to do that with me. He can talk all day long to his son about shit, but we just talk about general stuff. Aren’t I important enough to talk to? Can’t he talk to me, before making a decision that affects us financially. I’m just so damn tired, and all I can think to do is pray.

I don’t want him to go away, and I don’t want to go away . I just want the man back I fell in love with. I can take the good with the bad, but sometimes the bad is too much. I think I’ve earned more grey hair dating him,, than I did  with my ex (and my ex was a bigger asshole, fucker!!) I have enough stress dealing with my job, and trying to find work, I don’t need relationship stress too. So, I’m just gonna be doing some thinking and praying. I just needed to rant, cause I have no one else to talk to about this. I talk to God everyday, but I mean like I don’t have people I can hang with. I think I just need time away from him, and everyone. I’m gonna try to figure out how to take some time and chill by myself. Maybe after I figure how to get to Indy to see my sis graduate. I hope by then I can find a better paying job. I hate feeling financially stuck. I hate feeling stressed. Kinda hating life right now. So we’ll see how the rest of this year goes (or my life for that matter)