The Boyfriend Chronicles: An Introduction
The Boyfriend Chronicles
(original intro posted 9/4/03)
I’ve been meaning to do this for a long time. Actually, there are a lot of things I’ve been meaning to do for a long time, but this is the only one that can be solved by the coincidence of having extra vacation time and a brand spankin’ new laptop. Two birds, one stone. No need to explain that one.
There is a worn-out notebook in a drawer by my bed in which I keep a list of my ex boyfriends. Not all of them, in the strictest sense; just the ones that meet the criteria. Or more aptly, criterion; there’s only one — I have to have slept with them. In fact, it’s not even necessary that I have actually seen them more than once; only that I have seen them naked. Well, no — that’s not entirely true, either, because sometimes…never mind. Those details will come out later.
So at any rate, I’ve often thought that I’d like to keep a diary of my dating intimate experiences. I’m not entirely sure why. Maybe I just want to keep them from being meaningless, give them some credibility. Impart some existential heft. Whatever. Maybe I just thought I’d get a kick out of reading about it someday when I’m old and gray and my latest lover can’t get it up without a magic blue pill (or whatever form it’s in by 2050) and an hour’s worth of Debbie Does the Space Station.
I’m not promising a shitstorm of gritty details here. I just feel like sharing.
. . .
Comparable to a cast of characters, this could be a valuable reference tool in the event that you get bogged down by too many Erics and Patricks (there are two of each and an Iric) or the sudden appearance of Tommy (whom I never slept with, but may be mentioned anyway).
Last names have been omitted. Do I even need to explain why?
- Glen
- Mike
- Eric One
- Brett
- Patrick One
- Eric Two
- Craig
- Darren
- Bruce
- Jason
- [redacted]
- Iric
- Robby
- Tim
- Jeremy
- Dylan
- Paul
- Patrick Two
- Simon
- Joe
- Chris
- Justin
- Rick
- Tom
- Mike
- Paul G.
- Dave(?)
- Phil
That’s all of ’em. Hey, I’m not proud of the number, but I’ve been beating myself up as it’s climbed and now I’m finally accepting it. It’s not good or bad, it just is. No way to change it, at least not in honest conversation. (My mother still believes I’m a virgin. Hell, I’m not telling her!)
There are others who have played a part in my history and may be mentioned. As I’ve said, there was Tommy, but then there was Dean, Pete, Brian, Brandon, Tony, Joel, and probably a few others I’m forgetting. If I go back even further, I can count Marty, Peter, David (oh, yeah, can’t forget him) and Mark.
So herein lies a history of love, like, and plain old lust. I can’t promise a happy ending (there isn’t one yet, but I’ll keep you posted in case the unthinkable happens) and there’s likely to be some frying, skewering and vengefulness-disguised-as-honesty, but all in all it’ll probably just wind up being a big old collection of TMI.
Let’s just see where it goes.