10/21/07

This might be long because it’s over a week of significant happenings that I haven’t had time to process.  Forgive me.

Last Saturday, I attended the Case Choral Showcase, a concert featuring Case’s three choral performing groups.  The day starting with an opening shift at work — slow as usual.  I came home and didn’t go for a run because there really wasn’t too much time.  The day before, I’d run the mile in my two mile walk with a time of 10:19 (!), and I needed a break.  Spent most of the afternoon getting ready for the night out — it’s a poor excuse, but I don’t get out much.  Leisurely shower, straightened hair, a great outfit.  I ended up in a tight black turtleneck, curve-hugging jeans, and boots with smoky eyes and nude lips, topped off with a fabulous black coat and pink scarf.  I felt amazing — so sexy and sophisticated.

I knew that Bryan was working that night and needed him to sign the sublet agreement to send to Randy so I went to his store around 630p.  He went on a break so there would be time to read and sign the papers without interruption.  I could tell that he was tense and agitated; he eventually told me that Maggie’s sister was in town to talk to her, and he was worried.  He felt like he couldn’t control what was going on.  When they were together (since they’d basically been spending time together like they were already in a relationship), everything was great, but when they weren’t, he was afraid that someone would change her mind.   I took a hard look at him and told him that I was worried about him.   He asked why; I said he was acting so differently from the person I knew.  He pressed for more, so I told him: Cheating on girls, bouncing from person to person, not talking to friends from home, not practicing, getting a tattoo.  He heard what I said, but it didn’t mean something.  He told me that they are basically in love, and he thinks that maybe he was supposed to come to school in Cleveland to meet her.   I reminded him that he thought the love of his life was something else a month ago and said I wouldn’t trust him; he said they were the only two people who could trust the other, and I had to agree.   He said he knows I don’t think they go together; I said maybe I didn’t know him as well as I thought, though well enough.  There wasn’t much else to say except to talk about the table.  We’d discussed before that he would come get it some time, and since he still had keys, he would just get it and leave the money if I wasn’t home.  I wasn’t terribly comfortable with that and finally told him that I would prefer to be there when he came.  That’s when he told me that he would be using Maggie’s van so she would be there.  I hesitated but told him it would be okay, I could be civil, but that there was no way I wanted my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend in my apartment.  He understood and said he would call about a time.  Then I got ready to walk across the street to the concert hall.

The concert was wonderful.  Early Music Singers sang some interesting pieces; my favorite was the lively closing French piece.  The middle performing choir was the general choir, and they did a respective job.  Plus, a bonus — Erin conducted a Beatles piece!  She did an amazing job!  The final group, the Concert Choir, was incredible.  Their entrance gave me goosebumps.  It was electrifying, honestly, to be in the presence of great music again.  When I get home, I need to get the Fresno State concert schedule and go to some Fresno Philharmonic performances.  Such a great way to feel alive.

After the concert, I went into the store for a cup of tea (it was freezing) then went home.  And was so angry.  I called my sister because I could barely contain it and needed someone to talk to.  Spent a half hour sobbing to her about what an idiot he is, how angry I was, how sad and hurt.  And so done.  Gail’s suggestion to send an email releasing the worry played out face-to-face after all. 

I was angry with myself because I wanted so badly for that relationship to end.  I didn’t care if it was the next day or ten years later after marriage and kids; I just wanted to know that someday that relationship wouldn’t last.  But that isn’t me; I’m not a vindictive person.  I’m not bitter.  Angry, hurt, and sad, yes.  But I haven’t been bitter.  Not until that night.

That night, I put up an away message that said, "Someday, someone so much better than YOU is going to fall in love with ME."  I was bitter and didn’t care who saw it.  I don’t keep Bryan on my AIM list because I don’t want to see what he has to say all the time or to have the temptation of thinking about him.  Plus, we probably have three mutual friends on AIM.  Regardless, when I woke up the next morning before work, there was a message from him: "Thanks for putting up a message to me through AIM," or something to that effect.  My response: "I’m not sorry I wrote it.  I’m done worrying about you.  It’s your life, and I can’t convince you of anything.  I’m done."

And I am.  I’ve been done with Cleveland and its weather and its people for a while.  I was done the day after he broke up with me.  But I wasn’t done with him.  I was so un-done with him.  That’s what the worrying has been.  But I said my piece, laid my thoughts bare to him, and let go.  He’s not my problem anymore.  I won’t worry about him or for him.  I won’t waste my energy anymore because it’s just that, wasted energy.  I can’t make him care about himself.  I can’t make him see that he’s acting rashly.  I can’t make him see that he makes poor decisions.  I can’t do anything for him so I won’t anymore.  Being done with him truly makes me ready to leave.  I can’t wait.

That Saturday, I set up my BlogSpot (you should read and comment so I don’t look lame until real life people start reading! 🙂  I’m planning to update on Wednesdays.  Hopefully, it will be an effective tool for my family since my parents aren’t exactly hanging out on Facebook.

Sunday, I opened again.  When I got to work, there was a note from the closing supervisor that the supervisor scheduled to close that night couldn’t move from throwing out her back.  OOOY.  Tried to find someone from another store to cover but was without luck.  Since I’d taken three days that week, I technically could work both shifts without working overtime so guess who got to stay at the store from 530a to 1030p?  That’s right, me!  Thank goodness it was the weekend and a slow business day.  Still, 16 hours on your feet in work shoes that needed to be replaced isn’t fun.  Waking up Monday morning was a stiff experience. 

Monday night was supposed to be Heroes night with Erin, but I ended up having to work for Jill again.  It was a fun night because the guy I worked with, Walker, is from Louisville and a huge Red Sox fan; the girl, Nichelle, is a born-and-bred Clevelander with the Indians coursing through her veins.  There were some good-natured fireworks that night! 

Bryan was supposed to pick up the table Monday night, but we changed it to Tuesday night.  And I told him that I didn’t want Maggie to come to the apartment; I didn’t want his new girlfriend in my home.  He said okay and she would just wait downstairs.  So whatever.  Tuesday, I drove to downtown for pastry bags then went to work for a great afternoon, went home, and got ready for him to come get the table.  Cleaned up, put on jeans and a cute sweater to be sure I looked cute.  He arrived around 730p and noticed the sweater, which was a little weird.  I thought he looked kind of silly in a black tee (I forget what band logo was on it), plaid pants, and light blue canvas shoes.  All clothes he’s had for a while but the punk rock look he was going for didn’t work.  Score one for Erica.  Anyway, we moved the pieces to the freight elevator, he gave me $40 and the apartment keys, and we said goodbye.  Which was Bryan: Have a good trip.  Erica: Yeah, you too.  Both: Bye.

Then two minutes later, there was a knock at the door — he’d given me his own apartment keys instead.  DER.  So we exchanged them, and he was gone.   I sat on the couch and watched TV for a while, feeling a little sad and a little free.  The whole situation was a little tense; I think because we both knew Maggie was downstairs waiting and both felt very differently about that.  After waiting twenty or so minutes, I headed to Steelyard to shop at Staples for work supplies.  Also in Steelyard are Old Navy and Target — temptation!  I looked around Old Navy’s clearance section, tried some things on, and bought the adorable purse then spent time at Target.  It was fun for a quickie shopping expedition.

The rest of the week flew by.  Work picked up later in the week, but I worked with a lot of my favorite people.  Wednesday was a mid shift, Thursday was an opening shift, Friday was a very slow closing shift.  Josh Brown and I spent most of the time hurrying up to wait.  And I took pictures to save memories of the store (though how could I ever forget it?). 

Yesterday was a lazy day.  I spent most of it watching the So You Think You Can Dance marathon, as I mentioned.  This morning, it was hard to get up for church but I did and I’m so glad.  During each service, there’s a time to share prayer requests and praises with the congregation that a pastor then prays over in a time of communal prayer.  Today, I stood up, introduced myself, explained my situation very briefly, and shared how blessed I’ve been to attend First Baptist for the past two months.  It felt so good to say thank you to these people who have welcomed and loved me without knowing it.  Afterward, I expected a couple of people to come up and say hello and wish me luck with the move home.  I didn’t expect the fifteen people who gave me hugs and encouragement and thanked me for sharing.  If I were to stay in Cleveland, one exciting thing would be being involved at First Baptist because there are some amazing people and amazing ministries there.

Back home, I went for a run, but it had been three days since I’d last run and couldn’t finish the mile — my lungs weren’t having it.  The second half of the Dance marathon aired this afternoon so I watched that while finishing the packing.  Pretty much everything is ready, just a couple of odds and ends as well as some taping.  And the cleaning.  One more week, people, how crazy is that.

One other thing I realized this past week that is hard to discuss but needs airing out: I don’t think Bryan was ever really in love with me.  I don’t think he knows what real love is.  He said he was in love after three months.  Through the entire course of our relationship, he could never tell me why he loved me.  If I asked, his answer was always, "I don’t know … I just do."  It always bothered me but was another thing that I compromised on, I mean, he wasn’t a talker about his emotions.  But moreso is evidence now — he felt secure enough about his love for Becky to break up with me and proclaim it on the internet.  Now, a month later, he’s convinced that he’s in love with someone else, someone who is untangling herself from her own longterm, even more committed relationship.  As a friend, I still don’t see them together.  But beyond that, he’s in the passionate, impulsive, infatuated stage of a relationship.  Even if she is the one, now is not the time to think that you’re in love with her.  I don’t care what kind of connection you share, it’s not the kind of love that will carry you through anything.  He hasn’t experienced that kind of love yet because, when he reached a point of crisis in our relationship, he ran away.

I feel sorry for him.  To have been in a relationship with someone for almost five years and not to have really loved her.  And honestly, not to know it.  That’s not the kind of thing you can tell someone, especially not someone who thinks he’s in love again, even more deeply this time.  I could feel sorry for myself; I spent the past almost five years of my life in a relationship with someone who didn’t know what real love was.  But I don’t.  I gave everything I could to that relationship.  I learned so much from the relationship.  I have no regrets about it.  I know what love is and have an idea of what it will be.  But I feel sorry for him because I wonder how long it will take him to learn.  But until he does, he will still be searching to fill a void, even in this new relationship.  No wonder he acts lost — he gave up the person who loved him most.  More than his mom because I will tell him the truth; she only tells him to do what makes him happy.  Bad advice, especially at this stage in his life.

A few days ago, I talked to Rachel about wanting to see him again, to have another go at goodbye.  I sort of want to call and ask if we could meet once more.  But I don’t really know what to do say.  No, I do — I want to say that I’m okay with what’s happened and I’m sorry for being rude through some parts of it and I wish him luck, regardless of my opinions of his life now.  But I just don’t know if he would even be interested in hearing it and I don’t know if I could take it if he didn’t care at all.  If we met and I said those things and he said okay and was ready to go.  I mean, I know I could take it, but I wouldn’t want it to be a bad experience.  It would be difficult to set up this positive situation and have it turn into something bad.  Rachel recommended not putting myself in a place to be rejected, which I understand. 

I don’t feel so strongly about wanting to see him again.  And it is something that could be dealt with through email if need be.  I have a final appointment with Gail on Tuesday and plan to discuss this with her, as well as any other leaving issues that might crop up.  But mostly, I’m ready to go.  Ready for California and friends and family and learning new things and meeting new people.  I’ve already proven to myself that I can do it; all that remains is opportunities waiting to happen.  Here I go.