buh-bye :(
Well, he’s gone as of 930-ish am. *le sigh* I spent the night at his house last night so that I didn’t have to wake up early and go over there. We got up around 7a, got dressed, and packed up the car, but they didn’t leave until later because his dad had to finish work and pack. It was all right, gave us more time to hold each other. *aw-spew* Then they got in the car and yelled at each other about something and his mom and I laughed and I was crying a little but I couldn’t help it at all so I just kept smiling and he said "I love you" out the window and they drove away. Then his mom hugged me and told me to call if I needed anything and I drove away. And that’s that.
Instead of going straight home, I went to Barnes and Noble and Target to get a new planner. Yesterday, I attended a regional assistant manager training day in Visalia, and we spent a lot of time learning a specific plan for organization that I really like so I got one for work and one for personal use. Also puttered around and picked up a pretty new nail polish, an electronic toothbrush that came with a free sample of some new toothpaste, odds and ends to make me feel better.
So I used the toothbrush — oooooooo, me likee. I’m not usually one for vibrating things, but this feels niiiiice. My mouth is all clean and shiny, yum!
I should be cleaning the apartment; it and my room are both disaster areas. The roommates are in Yosemite, and I’ve had free reign to be a slob. Plus, for the past month, I’ve allowed myself the justified laziness of not cleaning — if I was cleaning, I wasn’t spending time with the boy and there would be plenty of non-boy time in the future. Now I should be cleaning, but I haven’t been. Maybe later today. I think I’m going to order pizza tonight — extra-cheese, extra-pineapple. Don’t really have a movie to watch, but it’s Friday and there’s plenty of trashy WB shows on. I actually really like What I Like About You. It’s trite, I know. But Vince is so hot! Funny, so is Vince on Entourage. Must be a good name. Entourage is my new show; so much cussing but the writing is incredible. It is written, right? Not sure, actually. But fabulous, regardless.
Every half hour or so, I start getting sad. I think of something that I wish we could do together, but now we can’t. Disneyland, a concert, a movie. Then I think about how there is a possibility that we won’t be able to do those things for three years. Of course, I’m being unrealistic — there will be visits, vacations, etc. but no more whims, no more consistency.
Mrs. Hannaford told me just be keep talking, no matter what. Angry, sad, happy, doesn’t matter, just always stay in communication. Words of wisdom. I hope my insecurity doesn’t manifest itself in jealousy. That’s something I am going to have to work very hard on. I know that his life is going to change — he is going to meet new people, including girls. He might start drinking, be it beer or wine or anything. That doesn’t mean he’s going to forget who I am. It doesn’t mean he’s going to meet someone else. It doesn’t mean he’s going to stop loving me. It doesn’t mean he’s going to cheat on me.
That’s one thing I’m trying not to let myself worry about. We are good, we are strong, we are in love, we are committed, we are best friends. He will not forget about me. It was three and a half years ago. It was practically another time, another place. It is going to be okay.
I think I’m going to call my mom. I’m surprised she hasn’t called me yet. Honestly, I’ve kind of been avoiding talking to anyone; it’s been easier to spend the day alone, silent, and working hard to feel unaware. Not in a bad way, just to save myself the heartache. I’m sure there will be plenty of heartache to come.
All right, bye.