Mom’s Angel Day

Saturday is Mom’s Angel day.  It will be two years.  Last year I went to her grave and had coffee and cookies with her.  Madilyn ran and played totally unaware of her environment.

I am not sure what I want to do this Saturday.  I want to go to the grave and put new flowers in the vase.  Maybe I will do the cookies and coffee again.  She wanted to stop for a cookie and a coke when we were in California for the Family Reunion in July of 2007.  I just laughed and kept driving.  She was diabetic.  She did get a cookie when we got to Pismo.  Now she can have all the cookies she wants.  Oooh and chocolate.  She loved chocolate.

I don’t feel as sad or lost with her death as I do with Nicole’s.  I am so grateful for our last two years and all the special memories.  If’s funny that those special memories came for the times I did things for her that I thought would be an imposition or burden to me.  While they were sometimes difficult, I learned to keep it just in the now and I had the strength to do many things.  I am blessed to have been given that opportunity and to have taken it.

She collapsed two months after Nicole died.  She told me that she looked up at Nicole’s picture and said, "I can’t come yet.  It’s too soon for your Mother."

My first opportunity came when they wanted to put her in a skilled nursing home.  I insisted we bring her home and moved in to help care for her.  Those were dark days.  The grief for Nicole was so overwhelming.  I felt lost and alone away from my home and Nicole’s essence that I felt there.  I believe I was exactly where I was supposed to be.  It may have been that my home was not a good place for me then.  Mom and I spent time talking and going through momentos.  I had the opportunity to give back what Mom and given to me for so many years.

My second opportunity came when Mom was so sad because she couldn’t attend her church.  I certainly didn’t want to go there.  I still had grievances with some of their teachings and the memories of Nicole were also strong there.  I took Mom to church and sat through the entire service with her whenever she was well enough to attend.  As I sat beside her, she told me how Nicole would come slide in beside her when she was in town.  I especially remember a communion.  Mom was so grateful to be there.  She knew she would soon be gone.  I still remember the expression on her face as she took communion.  God’s pressence was there.  On that journey I was able to let go of more hurts.  Everyone has the right to be wrong, even humans attending church.  I had been so tolerant of many others, but held the church to an unforgiving high standard.  As with every group, it is just made up of people.  Again I am doing for her and I am benefiting

My greatest opportunity came when I took her to California for her Family Reunion.  It was exhausting managing the luggage, the wheelchair, Mom’s anxiety.  I tried to break the trip into 4 – 5 hours travel segments.  Some stretched longer.  Once we were at Pismo, her family gathered around and I was free to be part of the family.  I don’t think I can put into words the delight she and everyone else had as she held babies, talked with other family members not seen in many years and spent time with her brothers and sister.  I walked on the beach and around town.  Mom and I ate at her favorite place, Marie Calendars.  There was one in the parking lot of our motel.  She was so happy and I allowed some dessert.  She always paid a price when she ate sugar, but she loved it.

It has repeatedly been shown to me that I do not know what is best for me no matter how much I think I do.  When I just get out of the way and do what I believe is right, wonderful things happen.  I find the stength to walk through the difficult times facing only this moment.  Joy follows.

I am blessed.