Missing Her

We’re getting ready for Mom’s memorial service on Saturday.  It would have been her 91st birthday.  My heart still aches and I still miss her so much.  I guess it never goes away from what people tell me. And do I even want it to go away?  When my aching ends she will be totally gone.  It’s a horrible struggle. 

I miss her… I miss who she was, especially in those last few years when she loved me so much… more even than when I was young.  In those last few years I was everything she needed to be.  It was good to be loved and needed so much.  Before that she was independant and I felt as if I was somewhat of a disappointment to her.  In the end, she was so wonderful though and was amazed at all the things I could juggle for her.  That made me feel strong and useful. 

I miss her hugs, especially in the end… warm but weak, so heartfelt.  She was drawing "power" from me but I was, more than ever, drawing comfort from her. 

I miss her eyes, her voice.

I found a tape she made… sort of a diary.  She talked in 1991 then in 1992 then again in 1994.  She sounded so young.