Thoughts Dribbling, Like a Latte, From My Mind

Well… been busy, first and foremost, and that’s good I suppose. I also
went back to working on the book. I’m going to finish it somehow but
much of the magic of writing about “dad” is gone. There is a little
spark left. Perhaps it will rekindle as I continue writing, perhaps
not. Nevertheless, I am going to continue. I have poured way too much
into this to quit. This is my chance to actually have a piece of
fiction to publish that is not erotica. There is more to it than just
what I’ve put up on Muffet. I’ve printed out a draft to begin editing,
a rather daunting task at this point, but much needed.

I’m still
feeling shell shocked from my seemingly overboard reaction last week,
feeling fragile and confused. I’m rooted in God and that’s what saves
me from emotional break down but there’s a seeking and some way I think
I’m supposed to be expanding. I don’t know, it seems to be too much to
figure out and explain. I vacillate between broken and strong, bitter
and resolved, toppled and grounded. One would think by my age a person
would have the answers down but I have fewer answers than ever.

I
remember when I was in my twenties and thirties I knew so much. I was
so sure of what I knew too! Working along side of women who were the
age I am now, I saw their confusion and counseled them, telling them
what to do about stuff (how ridiculous I realize I was now). In their
wisdom they just nodded and treated me as if I were the smartest woman
to ever walk in the office with them. I loved those women. I love them
even more now that I realize how much they REALLY knew about life. One
of them, Mary, died when I was in my early thirties. She was like a
second mother to me and I was devastated to lose her. She treated me as
if I was brilliant and skilled and knowledgeable, asking me for advice
about things when all along her wisdom and light far outshone mine. Her
serenity and sensibility was so broad I couldn’t even see it because it
spread across the whole horizon. Only in retrospect (as I am now almost
the age she was when she passed) do I realize the depth of her
personality and of her graceful illness and departure. She allowed
herself very few bitter moments and spent the majority of her time
letting others feel as if they were the most special people she had
ever met in her life. Each person was left feeling significant. Yet
Mary, herself, always acted as if she were naïve and less skilled or
wise than others. How untrue that was! I am so certain that she is up
there right in God’s lap even now. She was a very devout woman who had
utmost faith in the Lord.

And back then, I knew it all. I
didn’t live up to all I knew, but I knew it all and made myself
miserable with guilt believing that everybody else pretty much DID live
up to it. I split the world in two… those that did better than me and
those that did worse. I had no concept of the fact that we all have our
flaws and that everything is in shades of gray… it was all black and
white to me. And the better people were SOOO much better and, of
course, I was sooo much better than those who did worse (unless, of
course, I was depressed in which case almost nobody was worse than me…
I was scum of the earth and just hid it well.)

Now, it has
changed so much. I have the realization that we all struggle and I
don’t think I’m much better or worse than anybody else. I recognize
that some people behave in ways that I admire more than I admire myself
and I see that there are those who behave in ways that are violent and
frightening and I don’t behave like that. I aspire to be more like the
former and I avoid the company of the latter. I also realize that we
all have the inclinations to act just as poorly as the worst person on
earth, however, so don’t feel that any person is innately better than
another. A lot of it has to do with the luck of who we were raised by
or the chemistry in our brains. We’re all sinners and we’re all a mess.
Jesus was the only one who was truly good. Even children fight and hurt
each other… Lord of the Flies was such a true depiction.

So…
good grief… how did I get off on this tangent anyway???? (It was
pleasant thinking about Mary, though.) I’ve been up since 3:30AM.
Opened at Starbucks (which I immensely enjoyed), then went over to the
law office at 10am and worked there until almost 5pm so forgive the
wandering thoughts and too long entry. My mind is not a cohesive place
at the moment. I’m just letting it wander from place to place with no
discipline right now…

Take care!