More than I can swallow…

I wish I could say I was feeling any better but I’m not… still
dissolving into tears when I have a moment to dwell on anything but,
fortunately haven’t had many moments to think about much. I worked at
Starbucks from 7-11:30 this morning then sped over to the law office
and worked there until 4:15. From there I deposited my paychecks then
onto hand bell rehearsal, then choir rehearsal then home, finally, at
8:30 or so. Came in here to catch up with all of you guys. I have to be
in to Starbucks at 5am tomorrow morning, so I’m heading to bed after
this. I’m glad because I cried on the way to work this morning and in
between jobs. I feel like someone has taken an axe to my insides.
Somehow the realization has hit me that no matter what I do I can’t
change the past. I can’t change what has been and life is what it is. I
feel so empty.

I feel that feeling in my jaw, in my neck, in my
knees and legs… you know that feeling… the one where you feel sort of
hollow and like maybe you’ll collapse, like maybe you’re not even
alive. There’s a small flame of panic embedded in your heart surrounded
by some sort of numb pain so that you feel like a shell, yet on the
outside you function normally. At Starbucks I’m all smiles and
courtesy, making the customers happy and getting good tips. One thing
I’m good at is making the people like me… I am certainly a people
pleaser. I chase after approval, always have and always will. My
stomach feels as if it’s made out of plastic and as if huge tarantulas
are crawling around inside of it. My knees feel like the joints are
filled with jell-o. I can’t seem to stop grinding my teeth and there
are tears poised at the edges of my eyes. I don’t really know what’s
wrong with me and I’m not completely positive what started this
although I have my suspicions. Therapy is good for me overall, but
sometimes I bite off way more than I can chew and this time I’m having
a hell of a time swallowing, to the point where I think I’m simply
going to die.