Still Tired, Confused, Trampling On Though

 Been a busy day here, at work… I can’t believe I’m actually
taking a moment to do this.   I usually  don’t slack off
at all while I’m here and I feel a little guilty logging in and doing
this but, I’ll deduct some time from my pay sheet and that’ll make
things even. 

I start at Starbucks after I leave here today.  I’ll mostly be
doing openings but I have to do paperwork and a little re-training
tonight while it’s slow.  I’m sort of looking forward to it, but
I’m still recovering from the time change so I’m tired too.  I’m
also still feeling emotionally unbalanced so that makes it less
enticing, but I’ll be okay while I’m there… I’m very VERY good at
putting on a “happy face.”  That’s one thing that the people at
Starbucks and elsewhere have always like and commented about me, the
fact that I’m generally cheerful, friendly and pleasant to work with.

I appreciated everyone’s notes on yesterday’s entry.  I DO expect
myself to be serene, wise, and have it all together because of my age,
my religion and the fact that I have a great therapist.  
When I don’t, I feel as if I’m letting not only myself down, but also
those that I represent.  I feel as if I’m a rotten evangelist
then… I mean who would want to follow a God who produces a mess like
me?  And I feel like an unbalanced old toothless wrinkled hag… I
see these old bag-ladies out on the street and get scared that I’m just
a hair’s bredth away.  Will that be me next?  Am I going over
the edge?  How did THEY get that way?  I mean Angelina Jolie
and Winona Ryder made craziness at least look a little glamourous in
that dumb crazy movie they made… what was the name again?  Girl
Interupted… Imagine the same movie with Joan Crawford and Bette Davis
and you’ve got Hush Hush Sweet Charlotte… THAT’S the difference
between crazy at 20 and crazy at 50 — you know what I mean??? 
It’s okay to be nuts when you’re Angelina Jolie… it’s a whole ‘nother
thing to be nuts when you’re Bette Davis.

Anyway, I’m just trying to pull along with one foot in front of the
other and trust TRUST TRUST that Jesus has a plan and that I just can’t
see it clearly.  I have ALL my trust in that right at the
moment.  I sure hope I’m right.