Fragmented

 Feeling fragmented and emotional tonight.  The day wasn’t so
bad.  My boss stopped by my cube and said, “You know, I just
wanted to tell you what a pleasure it is to work with you.  And I
never feel like you work FOR me but that you work WITH me because I
feel like your part of our projects is just as important as my part.”

I told him that I actually felt that because that’s how he treats me
and that I very much enjoy working for him.  We exchanged several
more sentences of mutual adoration (of the boss/employee type — don’t
get the wrong idea) and were both quite overjoyed with our conversation
I believe.  Of course I proceeded to spend the next half hour
making mistake after mistake.  But I caught them all myself. 
I just tend to do that when I start feeling comptetent and good about
my work.  I get cocky and start feeling so self-assured that I
screw up.  But I know I’m like that so I keep a good eye on
myself.  (It’s tough being me because I can be such a big moron.)

Later, though, after I got home, I just sort of started
disintegrating.  I’ve been having a lot of problems keeping it
together emotionally.  Little chunks of me are falling off. 
I’ve had these problems before and I know I’ll get through it, it’s
just one of those hard times.  I don’t know why it is… maybe
seasonal change, hormonal, something in my brain chemistry is
off.  It could be because I haven’t been taking my vitamins
right… who knows.

I’ve also been working on a fiction project.  It’s about a guy who
is a wonderful dad.  That started off leaving me feeling very
euphoric as I was building his character, but now I’ve ended up
thinking a bit about my own dad in spite of not wanting to, and that
has plunged me into some deep depths of dismal thought.  Then I
end up sometimes not being able to breathe right and wanting to cry and
just basically run. 

And that’s when the cutting… the cutting is so tempting.  No, I
won’t do it… at least I THINK I won’t.  I mean, how could I when
I go from diary to diary telling these girls don’t do it.  So it’s
good that I’ve met all these diary girls who self-harm because then I
say to myself that I would be such a hypocrite if I tell them there’s
other ways to handle it then go and cut myself!  So, thank you
girls, if any of you are reading this, because you FIND other ways if
you feel like you HAVE to find other ways.  And so far, I’ve
resisted.  But, believe me, I’ve sat here without any breath a few
times, in tears a few times… panic stricken a few times, in despair a
few times, and definately praying a few times.  And I don’t even
know sometimes why I feel this way.  I’m 51 years old!! I’m not a
teen.  By now I’m supposed to have all this freakin’ stuff figured
out.  I’m a Christian, I’m supposed to be wise with the Bible —
have, at least SOME of the answers, and have the peace of God.  I
feel like a failure so often and I feel so confused.  But I DO
believe and I keep hanging on because I am SURE that if I just hang on,
Jesus will come and get me… He’ll find a way for me,
somehow.   It may SEEM unbearable now, but tomorrow something
will happen (or the day after or the day after that) that will make me
wonder why I felt this way today.

Well, I’m rambling… but so grateful to have a place TO ramble.