Ugh and Blah while we wait

 Feeling sort of stressed tonight… having quirky emotional issues.
The main stress, I guess, is that tomorrow my daughter gets her
pregnancy test and we find out if her IVF took (I don’t even know if
that’s the right way to put it.) She had two embryos implanted so if
her test doesn’t come up positive, it’s like she has miscarried twins.
By now I feel so edgy about tomorrow’s results I could puke. She has
been through so much that I just don’t know how she will bear it if she
meets with another failure. I mean, I know she will somehow deal with
it, but it’s so horrible for me, as a mother, to see her in pain. And
what she has been through for so long just to have a child is so
immense that to see her disappointed in this one thing she wants is
painful. I just pray and pray that it is His will for her to bear
children at this time.

Also, just general emotional things
have been grinding around in my brain… always struggling with issues
from my past and the echoes have been particularly strong lately. The
baggage sometimes pops open to haunt me. It has left me insecure and
childish at moments. This is one of those times. I am doing things to
help alleviate that, but nothing seems to totally cure it.

I
make jokes to myself and say things like, “Ooops, I’m slipping into the
depressive stage of my manic depression,” but it’s not too far off the
truth. Only days ago I was riding a high wave, singing the joy of
Jesus, needing very little sleep, racing around taking care of millions
of responsibilities, writing, working, cooking, cheerful. I remember
thinking to myself, “This is good, but it’s almost too good… I feel
almost manic with the little amount of sleep I’ve gotten and the huge
amount of energy I’m expending, not to mention the euphoria that has
been surging up in me.” An internal alarm went off.

Today I’m
having the backlash… a quieter, more somber reaction. I think I border
on the manic-depressive but that I’m not quite there at this point. I
do take mood stabilizers and I’m sure that helps. Anyway, it’s a point
to note if not to do much about.

Other than that, I start at
Starbucks next Tuesday night by filling out my papers and doing a brief
re-training. After that I’ll be working several opening shifts per
week. I hope my energy returns before then!