God, Condemnation and Dad

Well, what other morbid, sad and depressing things can I
write about? Just kidding. I have had quite a week As I was telling our Pastor
this morning, sometimes when I get to studying the Bible, I am the first to
send myself to hell.  The Christian walk
is not an easy walk but I guess I don’t have to make it more difficult for
myself. It’s just so hard to accept my own repugnant nature.  On the other hand, I DO have Jesus.  Somebody reminded me today, of the old saying
that there is nothing we can do to make Jesus love us any more than He already
does and nothing we can do to make Him love us any less. I forgot that.

Our after service Bible study was helpful to me today
because the scripture about having to give up everything to be one of Jesus’
disciples was a small part of that and I ended up asking, “What IS everything?
What does that mean?” And I was so frustrated with the concept of everything
and so beside myself after this period of self-condemnation that I was quite
outspoken and authentic in my demeanor which lent a new slant to the whole
discussion (usually it’s a little more inhibited and rigid being a middle class
white Lutheran church).  But there were a
variety of people who offered great answers and perspectives that I found
immensely thought provoking and helpful the final one being a man approaching
me after class with the Bible opened to the story of Annanias (I know I must
have spelled that wrong) and Saphira (if you don’t know the story, they sold
some land and donated part of the money to the early Christian church started
by the disciples but when they came to them first Annanias said he donated ALL
the money from the sale so he was lying to his brothers and to the Holy Spirit
and he was struck dead.  When his wife,
Saphira appeared before them and was asked if they had donated all the money
from the sale, she said indeed they had, so she too was struck dead.)  Many preachers have used this story as an
example of why you should tithe, etc. etc. It has also been used as an example
of why you should give. Of course it has been used as an example of why you
shouldn’t lie, but in this case, the gentleman that brought it to me asked,
“Why were they struck down?  Was it
because they hadn’t given everything?”

 “No.  It was because
they lied.” I answered.

“Right. It’s not that He expects everything. But He wants
you to be honest about it.”

The man that brought that to me is the husband of the woman
that runs the Cottage Bible study that I so enjoy.  Usually he’s not there because his business
requires him to travel constantly.  He
was there this past Friday night however and, to be honest, he was sort of
annoying during the Bible study.  He
interrupted his wife a great deal with little sarcastic jokes in an almost
jerky way.  He was sort of like the bad
kid in class challenging the teacher. 
I’m not sure about why the dynamic was that way or if he felt compelled
to try to bring her down a peg or two or what, but I was not left with a
favorable impression to tell the truth. 
When the Bible study part had ended, the men sort of floated to one room
while the women continued to chat around the dining room table as we ended up
in a discussion about breast feeding LOL and the men were getting TMI so my
husband ended up getting to know this guy better and really liked him, but I
was left with this more negative impression.

Today, however, after he brought me that and quietly made
that point and after he had also made a few quiet but similarly powerful points
in after service Bible study, I realized that he takes this walk every bit as
seriously as his wife but he just demonstrates it differently.  My husband’s take on the situation was that
maybe her husband just didn’t have the humor savvy to know when it wasn’t
really appropriate NOT to cut up so much and my husband is actually a pretty
good judge of character at least when it comes to other guys.

So Bible study really helped me with the insight that the
other participants and the Pastor offered on my raging sense of guilt and of
not running this race well enough to qualify for anything except for staggering
into heaven only to meet with a big scowl from God who will let me in for
Jesus’ sake but let me know He things I stink. 
I feel more assured that that will not actually be the case.  The Pastor says just as my children may make
mistakes and disappoint me, I would not grudgingly let them in my house and
tell them I wish they were not here.  I
would still love them and God is even more gracious.

I guess, to be honest, I have to look at this too from a
psychological stand point, my own father was quite condemning and cold.  He would easily turn his back on me and make
it clear how deficient I am/was but allow me into the house and not turn me out
into the cold if I needed shelter.  But I
could never satisfy my Dad.  I have not
one memory of ever making him proud.  I
have not one memory of a warm smile from him or a pat on the back or of him
ever saying, “Job well done.”  I know he
must have told me that at least once in my life, but I don’t remember it ever happening. 

I DO remember him saying many times that I had lots of
potential… there were always lots of  “if
onlies…” if only I would lose some weight I would be so pretty, if only I would
apply myself in school I would be so smart, if only I would get serious about
something I could be successful, if only I hadn’t married so young I could have
had a career… and so forth and so on… if only I would brush my hair more or
wear it in a different style, if only I weren’t so shy, if only, if only, if
only – and now I’m cursed with that never quite being able to make the mark for
myself, there’s always another if only to overcome.  So I’ve lost the weight now, but if only I
had a neck lift and didn’t have those wrinkles, then it’ll be well, if only I
had my arms done and it’ll never be enough because even if I got every part of
my body surgically altered, then it would be my job and my income, my taste in
dressing, the way I keep house, the amount of church activities in which I
participate, how I raise my children, what kind of wife I am, I’ll never meet
the bar because I’ll just keep raising it and instead of saying, “Look how much
you’ve improved!” I’ll end up telling myself, “You can’t do anything… you NEVER
make the mark. You HAVE no treasures in heaven…” and the usual encouraging
(not) words I save for myself.

Strange thing is, that particular yardstick is only for
myself.  I don’t judge anybody else with
THAT one.  I look at other people and am
awed by how well they do and if they fall and make mistakes it’s so easy for me
to understand the circumstances that lead to mistakes.  I think that’s because I’ve been there myself
and I’m good at taking my own experiences and extrapolating them into other
circumstances.  How can I really condemn
someone when I know I’d likely do the exact same thing if I were in the exact
same circumstances and even if I wouldn’t I’m just not the condemning type.
People are so vulnerable and complex and in a way people are so lovable, it’s
hard to condemn them. Oddly, looking at individuals, I’m not prone toward
condemning people, but looking at us as a race – a race of human beings – I’m
VERY prone toward condemning us all because we ARE a big mess worthy only of
condemnation.  I mean let’s be real about
this, even if you’re an atheist you’d have to admit that the human race is a
terrible mess an awful species that seems to poison just about everything it
touches in spite of the immense amount of potential and intelligence with which
we’ve been blessed! 

Well, I suppose I’ve rambled enough here, but collectively,
we certainly are a group past hope and were in need of a Savior which I believe
was provided in the form of Jesus. I wish others would believe that too but you
can’t shove something down people’s throats if they don’t believe.  If He wants ‘em, He’ll make sure they’re
called and He’ll open their ears to hear, their eyes to see.  It’s amazing how different things look once
He does that.