The Evil that is Me

I’ve been thinking so much. So much has been getting to me
lately. I’ve been feeling bitterly upset. 
First and foremost I feel as if God has been opening my eyes or been
pulling His hand back and allowing me to have a glimpse of just how horrible a
person I am.  I feel as if He is allowing
me to see just about every bad thing I’ve ever thought, every bad word I’ve
ever said and every bad act I’ve ever committed and the worst of it is is that
I know I’m really only seeing some small percentage of those really, less than
1% (even if it feels like so many) – and the potential for “bad-ness” in me is
just so overwhelmingly astounding that I can hardly handle the awesomeness of
it.  It just blows me away. 

It’s not like I’ve murdered anybody or anything like that…
it’s just this complete and chronic dull evil within me that just goes on and
on and on and on… this inherent weakness in my personality and character that
has been there since I was quite young. 
And it’s not that I think I’m any different or more wicked than anybody
else in particular (nor do I think I’m any better than anybody else in
particular).  I have a feeling we’re all
sort of similar.  I just get overwhelmed
at how decayed in spirit I am in spite of how hard I try not to be.  And this is also in spite of how hard I beg
God to clean me up over and over again. 
Sometimes I feel as if I am beyond redemption.

But I don’t believe I’m beyond redemption.  I believe that Jesus’ death and resurrection
has the power to redeem us all.  But I do
feel as if I am only compensated for, not cleaned up and I can’t get away from
the evil that is me.  There is no way to
flee this repulsive flesh and badness that is me.  It’s not that it is even just IN me… instead
it IS me.  It makes me want to pull the
flesh right off my body because I am so sick with myself and what I am.  Only God could possibly be able to salvage
anything from this mess.  And Jesus work
is beyond all comprehension when you realize that He has been able to somehow
justify us with His blood.  No sin can be
in the presence of God and yet we will be able to be in His presence via
Jesus.  How THAT can happen I can’t, in
this mind, understand – I’ll just have to trust.

How could God forgive me the sins I’ve committed in my life?  I was struck with a review of certain moments
this morning while driving in my car and I just burned with shame.  And that’s how it’s been for me the past few
days… a review of moments I had completely forgotten about and, as I reviewed
them from a new and more mature perspective, I was appalled with the person I
was and in some ways may still be.  At
the same time I burn with shame at who we ALL are as human beings.  I see how we cheat each other and I know in
my heart I would be just as guilty as some of that evil if I were in the same
circumstances.  If I were raised in a
family that taught me it was okay to cheat on income taxes or hate people of
another race, etc. etc., I’m sure I’d be just as guilty of those things.  I can’t judge anybody else because I’m sure
I’d be doing the same things I’m judging them for if I were in their
circumstances, and maybe I’d even be worse. 
The people that really astound me are those who have broken their mold!
The ones who somehow have ended up doing RIGHT in spite of their circumstances and
teaching.  It’s easy to sink into doing
the wrong thing… it’s not so easy to rise to the right thing and I don’t think
I would have been one of the “risers.” 
Had I been raised in Nazi Germany, would I have persecuted the
Jews?  I don’t know, maybe I would have.
I’d like to think I would have been noble but I have never done anything in
particular to make myself believe that I would respond in a noble way.

Only God has put anything even the least bit noble into my
heart and character and even that has been a struggle.  Anything of courage and backbone that I have
ever done has been done when God took over in me.  And, at that, I’ve still never done much.  I have no treasure stored up in heaven.  As the Bible says, when I go to heaven, I
will be like one escaping a fire, with only the clothes on my back.  Certainly I’ll be thrilled just to be in the
presence of God.  Even if I have to sleep
in the alleys of heaven and live in heaven’s homeless shelters, I’m sure I’ll
be so grateful just to be there.  But who
wants to face God with nothing to give Him, nothing to show?  Yet, I don’t really know what to do.  I always get so confused.  Should I visit a prison or something?  Who wants me to visit them? How do you even
get IN to a prison (the right way I mean?) I don’t even know.  And how do I visit sick people?  I’d love to go visit elderly folks in nursing
homes but can you just walk in and say you’re there to visit random elderly?  I mean I don’t even know HOW to do this
stuff. I’m like the guy who buried his talent in the backyard but I don’t mean
to be. 

I’m just feeling discouraged, depressed, and upset right
now.