How I Choose to Perceive…

From my notebook:

Written 02/16/05

Oh God, I am so lonely. I am surrounded by people who love me and who want to connect who care and yet I am so lonely. Please reach down and fill this gap in my heart.

There are so many moments that give me overwhelming feelings of happiness and pleasure:

1. the little Hoops n Yoyo Valentine from diet coke w/limes diary to all of us (I loved that LOVED IT and sent the same one to my granddaughter).

2. the super soft socks I just bought from Target the way they feel against my feet

3. watching my cat reach out and half-heartedly take a swipe at my dog with her clawless lazy paw

4. watching Seinfeld and laughing with my son

5. getting an email full of olde love sonnets from my husband

6. the exciting feel of going to the movies all by myself, being enveloped in the cocoon of the dark theater and swept up by the show in front of me so that all of my worries and anxieties disappear as I live the story Im watching

7. catching a glimpse of the new me in the mirror and being startled at how good I look! I still expect an obese, stringy haired beaten down woman to be glancing back at me and its a surprise to see this normal sized, stylish, confident stranger gaze at me then realize with delight that its myself!
And those are just moments from yesterday wonderful moments from yesterday.

There are also general moments that give me immense pleasures:

1. the sound of children laughing

2. getting presents

3. singing rounds

4. signing anything with other people

5. short walks in the Grove (a place nearby)

6. spring air

7. cuddling under a blanket on the couch when the room is cold

8. a freshly made bed

9. the feel of any thing soft

10. hugging my granddaughter (if shell stay still long enough)

11. stroking my childrens hair

12. looking at my giraffe statue

13. looking at my nails (LOL vain, I know)

14. when I know my husband has been thinking nice thoughts about me. I like knowing that people are thinking about me when Im not around and not aware of it in a positive way, of course, it sucks to find out that people are thinking negative things or having been feeling angry at you when you have not been aware of it. But one morning I went out to the car and found a note on the seat where my husband had written, Cleaned by SHMILY, and he had cleaned all the ice off of it (which he has begun to do for me this season and I love). It made me feel SO good. I put the note up on the visor where I can see it any time and get that feeling. I imagine him thinking of me and loving me in his heart even when Im not there and that makes me feel good.

15. spending time with my new friends from church. Theyre so much fun (And I analyze this because even with them I may still feel lonely if I stop and think about it but I get so involved I dont stop to think about it. And why is that? I guess because theyre doing stuff that I find particularly interesting theyre talking about God and the Bible or theyre just talking about stuff thats new to me or theyre telling me something funny or its womens stuff cooking, shopping, etc. good info to store for future usage.)

In spite of all these wonderful things, it seems sometimes as if my overriding feeling is one of loneliness and sadness and I cant quite figure out why that is but it obviously has its roots in ME and who I am and how I process things.

One thing is for sure, the busier I am, the less chance I have to dwell on how I feel. Does that make me feel better? I guess it depends on what I am busy with. If Im busy with church stuff or work, generally I feel less lonely. If I am just puttering around the house it could go either way.

C.S. Lewis says you cant find happiness when youre looking for it. He says that more eloquently, of course, but either way I think thats probably quite true. And actually I think in some ways our diaries misrepresent us. I dont spend nearly as much time dwelling on this stuff as my diary would make it appear. After all, when would I have time to do anything else then? My diary is a special place for just special things. It is completely self-indulgent and for no good or unselfish purpose whatsoever. Everything about this diary is totally selfish but Im keeping it and Im keeping it selfish because I also think that in a lot of ways its healthy for me and, for me, I keep imaging that it will be my way to live on after Im dead. I keep imagining some great grandchild reading it and feeling as if she knows me. How I wish I had something like this that belonged to my great-grandmother! What a gift that would have been!

But you know what? I just happened to think how little I would be worrying about the state of my loneliness if my husband were out of work and we were having severe money problems, unable to make ends meet and in some of the financial straits weve been in the past. The LEAST of my problems would be if I felt lonely or not.

You know, overall, Im just VERY happy. I have a good family, a good husband, a good job, a GREAT life. I think I am just, by nature, sort of a somewhat creative, but somewhat depressive person who has a trouble pocket that must always be filled and if it isnt filled with some more pressing problem ie: health, money, children issues then something else moves up to fill it. My disconnect with the world in this case.

Overall I am blessed and I think that a lot of how I feel at any given moment has to do with how I am CHOOSING to PERCEIVE things and the perspective Ive slid into. This is life and its going to be what it is, both bad and good. I can choose to focus on whatever aspect I pick. Its my decision. I need to keep that in mind.