Survey I Copied from Determined Gal

1. What is the nicest and worst thing your father ever said to you?

The nicest thing my father ever said to me was when he was in the throes of the Alzheimer’s Disease. There was one time when I went to New York to visit him and my mother and she and I went over to the nursing home where he eventually ended up. (My father developed Alzheimer’s Disease at a very young age, 55. By the time my mother felt she needed to place him in a nursing home he was in a nearly vegetative state.) My dad’s face was expressionless and he was gazing into nowhere when all of the sudden he looked at me at it was clear he knew, for a moment, who I was. He looked at Mom then looked back at me and his eyes teared up and he said, “Beautiful.” In a moment or two his expression vanished but I’ll never forget that second of recognition and in all my life my Dad never said anything so wonderful nor so sincere to me. I cherished that and always will.

The worst thing my father ever said to me came out when I was engaged to a young alcoholic man and my parents were horrified with the thought that I was actually going to go through with the wedding (which I did not, Thank God). He said, “You and Harry belong together; you’re both losers.”

2. What is the nicest and the worst thing your mother ever said to you?

I can’t think of any one nicest thing she has said to me. She has said many many nice things to me over the past few years as I have come to visit her and help her out any way I can. My bag of wonderful words is very full from the terrific and appreciative things she says. She is great about letting me know how much she cares and how wonderful she thinks I am. I’m really grateful for that.

The worst thing she ever said took place years and years ago. I was a very unstable woman in my early twenties and I said to her that sometimes I considered killing myself and taking my daughter with me. (I know, I know… that is a HORRIFYING thing to THINK let alone say… but I told you I was unstable and I was very depressed. I don’t believe I would have ever done that and obviously I didn’t and never tried, planned, or even considered a way to do it, but I did SAY that to her.) Her response was, “Well, just don’t tell your Dad; he would get worried.”

3. Most touching memory as a child, and most touching as an adult?

I can’t think of a touching childhood memory. The most touching adult memory is the one I recounted above about my dad calling me beautiful.

4. Worst childhood memory and Best childhood memory.

It’s so foggy that I don’t even know if it’s true but I seem to remember someone (I think maybe my father) coming into my room in the middle of the night and forcing me to give them oral sex. I remember them ejaculating into my mouth and it nearly choking me and I started to cry sort of noisily. In order to quiet me they pushed M&Ms into my mouth and shushed me. I tried to stop crying but my throat was tight so I couldn’t really swallow and the M&Ms began to soften in my mouth so that there was this gobby mixture of cum and chocolate and my own tears and spit all glopped together not to mention that I had just been completely traumatized. But if that never happened and was some sort of dream then I’ll use one that I know happened… when my brother molested me and I had to deal with it and had nobody to turn to.

My best childhood memory really took place when I was a teenager and was when I got saved at age 17. Coming forward down that aisle to take the “step of faith,” and finding myself in a relationship with Jesus that has stood true (in spite of years of backsliding and neglect at various times).

5. Best childhood gift and best adult gift?

Best childhood gift was a doll that my grandmother gave me and she had sewn an entire wardrobe of clothes for this doll. The doll was beautiful and my grandma was an expert seamstress so the clothes were phenomenal as well.

Best adult gift was when my husband (boyfriend at the time) bought me my first Atari game system. Oh that was the BEST! I used to stay up until all hours of the morning playing that thing. I loved it and it was such a wonderful and generous gift!

6. What was your biggest childhood then adult influences?

Biggest childhood influences had to be TV and movies as well as books. I absorbed everything. My biggest adult influence is likely to be my therapist if I don’t count the Holy Spirit/God. I am fortunate to have, as my strongest influences, some very positive people and influences. I thank God for being blessed with a good stable therapist.

7. What do you hope to be remembered for?

My sincere faith in Jesus and my candid honesty about who I am and what I feel. I would like to be remembered for my authenticity and for having the courage to divulge my weaknesses and take risks so that other people will have the courage to divulge THEIR weaknesses. If we all take those risks then maybe somehow we can abolish shame. I believe that shame secreted away in our hearts is one of the most damaging emotions there is. Once we expose the worst of ourselves and find that we’re not condemned, we have taken the power away from shame. I would like to be remembered for that.

8. Last part…share something you think readers would be interested in knowing…

I’ve been doing that for the past four years LOL. Along with sharing a hearty portion of things that I figure they’re probably not at all interested in too, but since it’s my diary, I keep recording stuff that I want to record whether it’s interesting or not 😉