Freakin’ Donut!

I ate a freakin’ donut this morning. I am not very happy about it (obviously). I can’t believe I did that. It’s very very scary for me to have done that. It was one of those Boston Cream Dunkin’ Donut things. This is frightening. I don’t want to gain my weight back. I’m trying to remain calm but I felt so out of control after I ate it and I’m terrified that I will BE out of control. I don’t want to be who I was. I do NOT want to gain back all the weight that I went through so much to lose and that I have been fighting so valiantly to keep off.

Now, part of me is saying, “Look, you have a normal BMI. If you stay THIS weight for the rest of your life, things will be fine.” But another part of me is focused on losing more, not giving up any ground… staying completely focused on this weight loss because I am SO SCARED! I am not like a naturally thin person. I am a surgically thin person. It is in me genetically and emotionally, biologically and chemically to be FAT — OBESE, so I can’t take any chances. Lots of people gain their weight back after surgery. It is not a magic wand and requires complete life changes in order to work. The surgery allowed me to change my eating habits and actually lose the weight but here I am slipping back into old habits. I had a donut. I had Dove chocolates this week. I’ve had bread. Lots of stuff is sneaking in on me.

When I was at my mom’s I went from 136 to 133, but when I came home I went back up to 133. I grabbed ahold of myself and went back down to 135 but now I’m afraid I’m going to go back up to 136. Arrghh! I’m driving myself crazy.

Most days I’m doing okay. I’m having plain yogurt for breakfast. The yogurt I made is REALLY delicious and I made it with lowfat milk. That’s around 90 calories. And I’m having a small cottage cheese for lunch. In total, those two, combined, are under 200 calories. If I have an Odwalla protein bar, that’s another 240 calories which is a lot but it has 16 grams of protein. Plus I don’t have those every day. Usually I have more problems in the evenings, especially lately, because I’ve been tired and haven’t been feeling well so I don’t have the strength to resist some of my baser urges and I end up eating the carb-type stuff. Today, however, I ate the donut at the church Bible study — and it was day, not evening :-(.

Yesterday I almost had a Starbucks biscotti but ended up saying, “Nevermind, I’d better not.” Phew… just in the knick of time! I’ve just gotta pull myself together and continue to remind myself of how much pleasure it gives me to look in the mirror and see this small person I’ve become. I am not fat. I am not fat. I still have trouble believing that because I’ve been fat all my life. But now, I am not fat. I am normal on the BMI scale. I look normal in my photos. (Don’t you all agree? Those of you who have seen the pics? Don’t you think I look normal?) At parties I am no longer the fattest one in the room, sometimes I’m one of the smallest! I wear a size 10 and could probably fit into a 9 and have sometimes fit into an 8. I LIKE this and in order to keep it I CANNOT EAT those crappy Dunkin’ Donuts. *sigh* They’re good but they’re not THAT good. (It was pretty good, though. Often when I end up eating something I shouldn’t, I find that it wasn’t as good as I thought it was going to be… the donut,however, was actually not as bad as I hoped.) Anyway, it wasn’t as good as looking in the mirror and seeing my legs look nice (which they do). I need to remember that and focus on it. It’s too easy to forget that I’m not hopeless and that I’m not fat and then I slide back into old behavior again. The other danger is it’s too easy to think, “Well… just this ONE thing…” and then think, “And just this ONE thing… and this ONE thing…” until I’ve had a dozen “ONE things.”

This, I suppose, is a battle I will have my whole life. I will fight it. With God’s help, I will fight it. He’s brought me this far. I can’t believe He gave me all this success just to let me ultimately fail!