I Hate Men…

No, I don’t really hate men; I’m just having issues right now… really bad issues. I got some wonderfully supportive notes yesterday and I ended up talking to my poor husband about my “issues” for a short time last night. The poor guy ends up being the spokesperson for all men and I know he doesn’t like to be put in that spot but he handles it so gracefully.

As I’ve mentioned in other entries, I was sexually abused as a child. This has left me skewed sometimes when it comes to my views on men and sexuality. I’ve had a lot of therapy and done a lot of self-help type work, reading, and introspection which has taken me past many of my original psychological problems because of the abuse. Much of this work was done a over a decade ago and I’ve thought it long behind me but now and then things crop up that spew up new problems or a resurgence of old ones. This past week or so had an intense effect on me.

It began with me coming across an article on the problem of incest within the Amish culture. Apparently there’s a big problem with incest and sexual abuse in Amish society and the men basically get minor punishment for rape and abuse of women whereas the women get severely punished for going outside of the group for help. One girl even got her teeth pulled for telling an outsider. I found this article so terribly disturbing that it haunted me for days. I guess that’s because I’ve always had sort of a soft spot for the Amish even maybe wondering in the back of my mind if they possibly had it more “right” than the rest of us with their earthly walk and seeming strict devotion to God and the Bible (although I know that’s not really true).

Following that I happened across an article about sexual predators and the children left stranded from the tsunami. This is just one of many articles you can find about this on the net but it’s something that never even crossed my mind and I found it terribly upsetting to even considering… disgusting and abominable.

Next, I was unfortunate enough to trip over an article about a prostitute who turned in a john after finding horrible child porn on his computer including pictures of toddler rape.

Last, but not least, I read an article about UN Peacekeeping forces coercing (or worse) girls as young as 13 into sex instead of protecting them and using the very things they are supposed to be providing for free as items to bargain for sex.

Being inundated with these articles and a few other things lately, I have hit my emotional barrier I guess and am starting a melt-down of some sort more intense than I have had in almost a decade. This backlash begins with an “I hate men…” sentiment. It begins with a deep profound belief that all men care about is sex, at any cost… it doesn’t matter who, it doesn’t matter how, nothing matters except that sex. It begins with this sense that men just don’t care about the feelings of women and will convince themselves somehow that women are okay with it when they get coerced or raped.

I begin thinking about my own experiences in life, being abused as a very young child and then again when I was about 10, later in life being the victim of a date rape. Those experiences only lead to a sort of confirmation of the above beliefs.

Now, I’m married to my husband who belies those thoughts. When I was going through the worst of my incest survivor recovery, he went for long stretches with no sex, sometimes for up to a month, maybe even longer. It was frustrating for him, but he continued to reassure me that he loved me and would deal with whatever he had to deal with. He sympathized with me and let me know that sex was just one of many things that we shared, not THE thing or the only thing that we shared as a couple. When we talked about all this stuff last night, he reiterated all of that, ever patient, ever loving.

For me, I try not to pay attention to that person inside me who gets triggered by articles like the above or when I see behaviors that confirm the “men are pigs” idea. I try to ignore the disdain I have for men who just seem to focus on sex. That person within me hates sex, hates men, is sickened by their one track pursuit of the almighty orgasm and I detest men who hurt women and fool themselves justifying their behavior and not even caring about the feelings of the women they use and hurt. I become enraged.

When I become enraged over it, I don’t even know what to do… I thought about writing an enraged diary entry, but I didn’t want to feed the rage… I also didn’t want to freak out anybody although the only man who reads me is Q and he doesn’t seem too given to shock 😉 although one never knows. I was thinking maybe it’s better to try not to think about it all and, in that vein, not to write or talk about it… but I was getting so emotional and found myself in little crying spells. I hate re-visiting this stuff. I can’t change the world. I guess the bottom line is that SOME men are pigs just as some women are only after men for their money. Some people are just bad.