What Do You Do…

I read a study once where they put a group of people in a waiting room and while they were sitting there reading their magazines or whatever, they set off a fire alarm.  Nobody commented, got up, exited, or anything!  Ever since then, I’ve recognized my penchant toward that same behavior and have forced myself to do what I felt was the “right thing” regardless of how concerned I was about the way other people perceived me.  That said… I had a little struggle this AM.  When I dropped my son off at school, there was a gentleman sitting outside on the bench drinking water and talking to himself.  He was nicely dressed… not in a suit or anything, but casual work-type clothes.  He had a back pack and an atheletic bag at his feet.   The problem was, he was visibly unbalanced… at least it appeared that way.  He had a scowl on his face and talked in a tight but animated way, to nobody.  He had a well trimmed goatee and mustache so I thought he was an adult.

I pointed this man out to my son and said, “That makes me nervous… this guy is sitting there, talking to himself, with two bags in front of him.  It’s hard not to get concerned considering all you hear on the news these days.”

My son said, “I’ve seen that guy around school before.”

“You have?”

“Yeah, I don’t know whether he’s one of the students or what….”  He got out of the car and we wished each other a good day, etc.

At first I was thinking, “Oh, don’t worry about it… he’s been around the school before, it’s probably nothing.”  But it really bothered me, so I called the school and just mentioned it.  I felt silly and sort of embarassed, but I did it.  And I’m sure it DID turn out to be nothing… but, you know what… I would have been bugging myself ALL day if I hadn’t have done it, so I HAD to do it, just to shut myself up. 

Anyway, I got to thinking about that once I read Margaret’s entry about how people don’t want to open their birthday presents if they don’t recognize the name.  This is what the world has come to.  Suspicion, fear, anxiety — and rightly so — because of a few violent and sneaky people.  Intertwined with all of that, however, is also a sense of thrill.  Never a dull moment.  I feel myself begin to drink up that dysfunctional emotion and I realize I’m even MORE afraid of becoming addicted to the excitement of this fear than I am afraid of the THING itself.  After 911, I became a news addict for a period of time.  It was terrible.  I felt like I HAD to know immediately if anything else was happening.  I was Miss Watcher-on-the-wall.  I sense that in myself when we get thunder storm and tornado alerts.  There is an excited sense of expectancy and urgency that is ignited in me.  And, I can only confess this here, in my diary, (and have only just realized it); I am feeling that whole weird dysfunctional hyper-ness about this whole “mess” that is going on at church.  All this conflict is something different… a break to the boredom of life I guess.  The problem is that I’m not happy feeling this… I end up growing a sort of addiction to the trouble and trials, but the stress and the emotional pain in my heart, is very heavy.  I am suffering even as I feast on the “excitement.”

I’m glad I’ve realized this… the whole purpose of a diary, I suppose… but I need to go into great prayer over it and resist the temptation to stir (however innocently) and encourage any further drama and mess.  Boredom is GOOD.  It means nobody is hurting, there are no crisis, no deaths, no catastrophes.  Boredom is just the flipside of contentment and I HAVE LEARNED to be content as much as I possibly can with this personality of mine and pray that God will continue refining me so that I seek serenity and contentment at ALL times!!