The Accident

I think it was C.S.Lewis who talked about how we don’t realize how bad we are until we find Jesus and He begins to show us or how we can’t see our own darkness when we’re IN darkness.  Someone else (or maybe it was him too) talked about how we are so dark inside but don’t even realize it until the Holy Spirit gets inside of us and shines a light illuminating all the garbage and filth we have within… and isn’t that the truth!

So last Saturday, after Ministry Track, we were driving someone home.  My daughter was driving and I was sitting in the back and this other lady was in the front passenger side.  We were beginning the turn down her street when we got rear-ended by another driver.  It was a pretty hard hit and since my daughter’s car is a hatchback, my head hit the window with pretty sudden force.  Also my neck hurt.  It had been sort of wrenched.  We were all okay other than that, but I must say I was a bit dazed.  We got out of the car. I was pretty shaken up but my daughter and Sonya (the lady we were driving home) were okay. 

This kid had hit us.  He said, “I was waving at somebody and didn’t see you put on your blinkers til the very last minute.”  It turned out he didn’t have a license either.  He was driving his uncle’s car.  Well, he said he wasn’t exactly driving it, he was just moving it from one place to another.  (He was moving it at a pretty fast pace down a fairly busy street.)

To get to the point, though, before I knew he didn’t have a license etc., the first thing I started to think about was money.  In retrospect I can’t believe it. Well, yes I can, but no I can’t.  A voice inside of me was saying, “Say you’re injured… complain about your head and your neck…. get some money.”  Now, in actuality my neck did hurt.  So did my head.  My back hurt a little too.  My neck still hurts today as does my back, but what really hurt the most was the recognition of my own greed.  I think I wanted to be more hurt so that I could get money.  it was terrible.

The cop that came was really sort of jerky and didn’t want to cause this kid any trouble so he sort of railroaded my daughter into not making a police report.  On the way home she started crying because the cop had been sort of mean to her and because, when she got her husband on the phone, he was pretty insensitive as well.  I, too, started crying.  Part of it was because I was still in sort of shock and part of it was because I was upset I wasn’t going to get any money for my neck.  I hate to even admit this!!

Now, I probably don’t need any money for my neck.  I’ve been taking some muscle relaxers for the past couple of days and it seems to be getting better.  My head was fine after the initial hit, it didn’t even bleed or anything.  My neck has definately been uncomfortable and sometimes downright painful, but I haven’t really had to see the doctor.  I’ve just taken these muscle relaxers.  I guess I’ll go tomorrow or the next day if I’m not feeling better.  The thing is, I had a feeling inside like I wanted to go to the hospital or the doctor so I could sue.  Oh, the whole thing is so sickening to me.  I was so driven by money.

I guess, on the good side, however, I haven’t stooped to acting on any of it.  That disgusting middle-aged, crispy haired, nasty woman inside of me keeps saying, “Get some money… what’s wrong with you… get some money.”  I was her for a few minutes.  But that’s where God comes in.  Jesus sent the Holy Spirit so that I could begin to crucify that part of myself.  This is what they mean when they say kill me, Lord, so that I can become more like you.  Also, God won’t send you any temptation without giving you a way out.  So, same as I’ve been “telling the devil” that I’m NOT craving cigarettes — satan’s a liar — the same way I’m telling the devil, “I don’t want ill-gotten gains.”  God will supply  my every need and I don’t need money won in a deceitful manner.

Earlier in the day I tripped over the Bible verse about ridding yourself of all envy, bitterness, greed, jealousy, etc.  I remember thinking, “Teach me, God, how to rid myself of these.”  Wow! I got a hard lesson immediately.  When I sat in the car crying because I wasn’t going to try to get any money, it hurt.  I was upset that I wasn’t going to go for some “gold.”  At the same time I told myself, “He didn’t say it was going to be easy,” and “which do you want, to please God and be rid of that stuff or to have a couple hundred dollars gotten through greed.”

So, the bottom line is, my neck does hurt, but I’m treating it the same way I would treat it if I, myself, banged into a pole and hurt it and would have no reward for going to the doctor about it.

Meanwhile, my daughter called the police department to complain as soon as we got to the house.  A very nice leutenent there apologized for what happened, took some info, and asked her to come in the office in the AM to fill out a report which she did.  Her fender has a dent in it that I don’t think was there before (although her car is old so I’m not sure).  It is so hard to sort things out sometimes.  Part of me was saying, “Love mercy and show mercy to this kid.”  But at church, Sonya was saying that it’s not good to reinforce that kind of irresponsibility, as was my daughter.  I’ve heard that a few places.  So, if he has to pay a ticket or something, I just want to make sure that in my own heart, it’s not happening simply because I’m being greedy or vengeful… instead it’s happening because God is dealing with him.   Sometimes the harder part of this walk is figuring things out rather than doing them.