Frustration…

Grief and pain are terrible emotions/sensations. Fear is bad too, almost debilitating in some cases. But those, more dramatic, emotions elicit a certain response from within and without that helps you cope. Pills, sympathy, comfort, friends surrounding you with support and encouragement, those things help you to deal with the unpleasantness (though I’m not downplaying the devastation of any of those experiences). Frustration, however, is a whole ‘nother thing. It can shoot quickly into anger, like the red tube in a thermometer thrust under hot water, but mostly it just sits there and seethes. Frustration reminds me of things that grow in stagnet water. Little insipid things just grow and grow until they become a big stink and eat away at whatever is containing the water.

And frustration is what I’ve been having my fill of these past few days. I can feel it in my stomach and creeping up to my heart, the tension makes me grind my teeth and starts that nasty headache. Frustration is evil, like a demon possessing you. It tempts you to take out your aggressions on the people around you… and somehow wants you to target the most vulnerable.

I’ve heard my son playing video games and losing against the game unit. He starts off mad, then sounds like he might cry, then finally yells with a sound that makes you wonder how he can find this pasttime fun. I’ve heard my husband using every word my mother told me not to say (and more) as he struggled with an errant computer. And, worst, I’ve felt that big ugly claw digging into me as I have become frustrated with so many things lately. And I don’t handle it very well.

Of course with frustration there’s no one there to give you a special card telling you to perk up. Some anti-depressants seem to aggravate frustration instead of ease it. (Take it from someone who KNOWS). No one tells you, “I wish I had some words to say to help you through this time…” And, although, the stronger emotions can cut you in two, frustration is like a dull knife. It makes you feel dirty and oppresses you instead of cutting you.

I am so tired of feeling frustrated. I think that’s what spawned my Serenity Prayer entry. I was trying to quell my frustration. Frustration is a completely USELESS emotion. It’s like the roach of emotions.

I try to tell myself not to care about stuff not being put back in its place or about customers being horrid at work, or about stuff breaking down, or about running late for everything… I count to ten. I sit back and close my eyes and remind myself of what is most important in my life. But I can still feel frustration tearing up my insides and making me miserable.

I think I need to go off all meds maybe or maybe just need a different one. What good is an increased libido going to do me if I’m always to aggravated with the world to want to indulge in loving sex. Maybe aggressive sex has a role in this, but that kind of sex is not going to bring me closer to my goal of loving my husband more.

I hate frustration.