Feeling Sort of Miserable…

I’m feeling miserable tonight. I woke up with a UTI… if you don’t know what that is, then I won’t bother to explain it — you don’t want to know. By the time I got to the Doctor, I could barely walk. I’ve never had one come on so suddenly and so fast before. Too much good sex lately… see what happens when you go off your prozac. Anyway, I had to open at 5:00, so I worked almost 6 hours before I could get off and go to the doctor.

My husband has been so good to me tonight. He came home and told me that our van is leaking gasoline. It’s so scary that he was driving it that way and he didn’t even know it. Also, I’m pretty unhappy thinking about the $$ it’s going to cost to fix the darn thing. Anyway, he called AAA to have it towed to the mechanic. Then he blew off his condo board meeting to do our grocery shopping because I felt so awful. He also managed to do most of our dinner. Pretty amazing, isn’t he?

The weird thing is that just yesterday I was really pissed off at him. There’s a certain attitude he cops that tends to push my buttons and I don’t think he even realizes it. I guess it’s this sort of, “I come first…” attitude. It happens when he can’t find something so he says he’s going to go buy another one even if money is tight. Or like the other night when we were trying to decide which car to take. He wanted to take the van because it was more comfortable. I wanted to ride in my daughter’s car because it was in better condition. He got sort of mad at me about that and we rode in the van. Then yesterday, he came in and turned off a cd I was listening to mid-song because he said it was time to eat breakfast. It’s that sort of stuff that drive me nuts.

In return, I hold back and just get distant instead of pointing out his “bogus-ness.” That drives him a little mad I think. The thing is, I hate to talk to him about it because he either gets mad at me for being upset, or he treats me like I must be nuts to feel the way I do. He also interupts like crazy when I’m trying to talk.

Once we tried this way of “arguing” where the person holding the specified object could talk and the other person had to wait until it was passed to them. He hated it… he hated it argue that way. I loved it. When I was talking he’d shift in his seat and roll his eyes and lift his eyebrows and try to show me how outrageous I was being in his estimation, but he couldn’t talk so I could actually finish a sentence. Sometimes it’s so hard to try to explain your point, especially to someone who is so interested in proving their position.

But tonight, it’s not like that. Tonight it felt so good to be in his arms. Money is tight because we spent so much on the wedding. Mortgage was pulled out today and assessment fee is due. Bills came in that need paying and our balance looks ugly. I have an infection under one nail because I wore these stupid fake nails to my daughter’s wedding. Now I have to be on medicine for six weeks. I also have the medicine for my other, unmentionable, condition. I’m really tired and work is a b**ch. My life is really very good, much better than so many people’s, but I still feel down tonight and needed holding. I needed him to tell me that everything is going to be alright, that I won’t be destitude, that he’ll never leave me. He has such big shoulders and a nice solid chest and it felt so good to lean my head against him. Also, it was all affection because due to my affliction our closeness can’t lead to anything else. For me, it’s nice to just be pampered that way… almost like being a little kid again and being wrapped in your father’s arms.

Life will get better, this is just a down time. It could get a lot worse and has been many times before, I realize that. I just like it more when it’s a lot better and I’m just coasting peacefully along.